GOTH GETS HEAD
June 30, 2006

Vermont dufus thwarted in skull bong project

Eighteen-year old Nickolas Buckalew pleaded guilty to charges of grave robbery yesterday after breaking into a tomb and stealing the head off a corpse. Buckalew sawed off the head using a hacksaw and took it home telling witenesses he intended to turn the skull into a bong. (story)

Why didn't the idiot goth try for a humerus chillum instead? Everyone knows skull bongs are useless. (Link to this)

ONE MORE REPUBLICAN PERVERT OFF THE STREETS
June 30, 2006

'Daisy Nuke' ad man guilty of child molestation

The GOP consultant who created a campaign ad in 2000 accusing the Clinton administration of giving nuclear technology to China in exchange for campaign contributions has been convicted on child molestation charges.

Carey Lee Cramer (see Republican Sex Offender Showcase) was sentenced to six years in prison, ten years probation and a $30,000 fine.

Cramer's ad, a rip-off of a 1964 LBJ attack ad showed his daughter plucking petals from a daisy and concluded with a countdown to a nuclear blast accompanied by the message "Don't Take A Chance. Please Vote Republican." (Link to this)

WEB CUNTSERVATIVES TANKING
June 29, 2006

Right wing Web sites losing popularity fast

As we live the slide into authoritarian pseudo-democracy (German Democratic Republic anyone?) let down by lame Democrats and bludgeoned by cuntservatives, it's not often the news gives comfort. So a hearty thanks goes out to the Internet Product Development Group for posting today's heartwarming press release.

According to the data miners and search engineers, the popularity of wing nut Web culture is finally on the wane. During the past three months traffic for cuntservative sites has been plummeting. Here are the highlights:

http://www.rushlimbaugh.com down 18%
http://www.foxnews.com down 13%
http://www.anncoulter.com down 10%
http://www.billoreilly.com down 40%
http://www.townhall.com down 27%
http://www.drudgereport.com down 21%

At the same time, traffic for moveon.org is up 13%. Fucking hilarious! (Link to this)

BAD JUDGMENT
June 28, 2006

Penis pump judge single-handedly redefines the word 'inappropriate'

During one trial, Judge Donald D. Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench. The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials. Thompson is now charged with four counts of indecent exposure, each punishable by up to 10 years in prison. (story)

A former court reporter told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the murder trial of a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The whooshing sound could be heard on her audiotape of the trial. On one occasion, she heard the pump during the emotional testimony of the murdered toddler's grandfather. The grandfather "was getting real teary-eyed, and the judge was up there pumping," she said. "It was sickening." (Link to this)

FAGS AND FLAGS #2
June 28, 2006

Senate votes down flag burning amendment

A proposed constitutional amendment that would have allowed Congress to ban flag burning was rejected Tuesday in the Senate by the narrowest margin since Congress began considering the issue 17 years ago. The 66-34 vote fell one vote shy of the two-thirds majority needed to send the proposal to the states for ratification. (story)

So after falling flat on their faces with gay marriage, a second pointless issue to mobilize the Bush base has now failed. At least it looks like failure unless you're a Republican strategist.

Isn't it obvious by now that Republicans might promise to fix those abortion/gay marriage/flag burning issues for their Jeezuzland voters, but the last thing they ever do is follow up on the promises? It's way better to keep the issues alive election after election rather than make them go away and have your voters stay home. Or, worse still, have to concentrate on real issues that actually impact the American people. Just wait til they drag it out again for the voters in November. (Link to this)

LIMP-DICKED FAT DRUG ADDICT BUSTED
June 27, 2006

Rush Limbaugh detained for fake Viagra prescription

Limbaugh shows off his one remaining stiff body part

Cuntservative figurehead Rush Limbaugh was detained at the airport for more than three hours on Monday on his way back from vacationing in the Dominican Republic. The reason? Customs officials found Viagra in his luggage without a valid prescription. (story)

Not only does the thought of Limbaugh's impotence make me laugh hysterically and twang my own defiant leftist boner, the news that he vacations in the Dominican Republic - a.k.a. the poor man's Bahamas - makes me wonder that he's not exactly raking in the Benjamins these days. Ha! (Link to this)

HARD TIMES
June 24, 2006

Man sues over 10-year boner

A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in damages after a faulty penile implant gave him a decade-long erection. The device was intended to raise 68-year old Charles 'Chick' Lennon's wang and then lower the landing gear for a smooth post-coital descent. Unfortunately, the down function failed resulting in a permanent erection which got a little old for its owner after ten years of hard time.

According to Lennon's attorney, he was "unable hug people, ride a bike, swim, wear bathing trunks and was uncomfortable being around his grandchildren" due to his permanent tumescence. (story)

This would seem to be God's way of saying "be careful what thou wisheth for, horny oldsters." (Link to this)

CHENEY'S 'THAT 70S SHOW'
June 24, 2006

Cheney resorts to Vietnam era scare tactics

Dick Cheney in stereo: twice the lies, double the ugly

Dick Cheney warned today that a hasty US retreat from Iraq would create a domino effect, helping terrorists and hurting US allies in the Middle East and from Europe to Asia. "It is absolutely the worst possible thing we could do at this point," the Vice President told a television news channel in an interview. "In fact, we will have set up the situation in which the al-Qaeda types can win." (story)

Wow. Those with long memories and a few miles on the clock will remember this same hysterical 'theory' being developed during the tail end of the Vietnam war. They told us that the US could not pull out and leave Vietnam to its own devices lest Charlie take over the southern hemisphere one country at a time until Australia itself was flying the red flag. 'The Domino Theory' was bullshit then and is bullshit wearing flared pants now. How desperate are the pro-war lobby if they're resorting to busted propaganda techniques from Nixon's day? (Link to this)

AMERICAN REAM
June 22, 2006

From sea to shining sea... it's sucking badly

After reading about our big-hearted representatives blocking a raise in the Federal Minimum Wage for the ninth year running, I was inclined to ponder some of the things that make this country so great:

• 37 million (12.7%) Americans live in poverty - the highest percentage in the developed world with a 5.4 million rise since 2000 (story)
• 46 million Americans, or 15.7 percent of the population without health insurance - 6 million more than in 2000 (story)
• US bosses averaging $11m per year - or 262 times the average worker's salary of $42,000 (story)
• From 2001 to 2004, average family income fell 2.3%, to an inflation-adjusted $70,700 from $72,400 in the 1998-2001 period (story)

Ever get the feeling that 'We The People' got slipped a rufie and woke up in Honduras? (Link to this)

SUBNORMAL PROPAGANDA
June 22, 2006

Comedy Republicans claim WMDs found in Iraq

"We're in the Senate... yayyy!"

Got to hand it to GOP special-ed'ers Hoekstra and Santorum for lying like heroes in the face of overwhelming reality. Santorum, the single most ridiculous prick ever to hold public office, announced yesterday that "We have found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, chemical weapons."

Oh really? The US military, the intelligence community, hell, even Bushco™ have all given up on that bullshit. Could it be possible that Santorum is actually retarded? If so, good taste and decency will prevent me from ever calling him a fuckwit again. I will, of course, now refer to him as Ricky the differently-abled Senator from Pennsylvania. (Link to this)

GIVING THE GIFT OF WEIRD
June 21, 2006

Foreign leaders' curious gifts to the White House

"Dear Mr Medgyessy: Thank you very much for the great whip. Me and Laura are very much looking forward to trying it out."

There may be some serious re-gifting going on in the high echelons of power. Otherwise, how could you explain some of the more bizarre items other heads of state have given to Bushco™?

A leather whip, a sniper rifle, six jars of fertilizer and a copy of 'The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook' were among the items on the 2004 inventory of official gifts to the Commander-in-Chimp himself. It's hard to guess why the Hungarian Prime Minister thought a braided leather whip would be appropriate or why the King of Jordan decided on a presentation selection of fertilizers on a rotating wooden stand. And why would Bush receive a vocabulary-expanding game called 'Forgotten English' from the Sultan of Brunei which was probably received as gratefully as the ill-fated aromatherapy gift set given (seriously) to Donald Rumsfeld? (story)

Apparently there is a world leader equivalent to that last-minute crappy gift grabbed en route from the gas station. (Link to this)

GAYMANIA OR HOMOTARDATION?
June 20, 2006

Pentagon still classifies homosexuality as a mental disorder

Decades after mental health experts dumped the gayness is a disease theory, the Pentagon is still classifying homosexuality as a mental disorder in a recent policy document.

The document outlines retirement or other discharge policies for service members with physical disabilities and, in a section on defects, lists homosexuality alongside mental retardation and personality disorders.

Doesn't it ever occur to the military that sexual preference has absolutely no bearing on an individual's ability to kick foreign ass? On what grounds could sexual orientation constitute a 'defect?'

While Fried Wire still prefers a hairless budonkadonk without pendulous balls attached, that doesn't stop me sympathizing with those who fly the rainbow pennant. Just like the millions of gays paying taxes to finance a dumbass government that wants to chase them all to hell, there must be plenty serving their country (let's not even mention the navy) who would find the Pentagon's attitude a tad mean-spirited and ungrateful. (Link to this)

QUOTE OF THE DAY
June 20, 2006

"When our freedom is challenged, Americans do not run."
House Speaker and handsome bastard Dennis Hastert

Very true. We don't run. We pull down our pants, touch our toes and pass the KY to Bushco™. (Link to this)

FRESH BULLSHIT FROM THE BUSHCO™ TALK MONKEY
June 20, 2006

White House Press Secretary compares Iraq war with WWII

Tony Snow with ridiculous Fox News mascot (left), George Bush with ridiculous Fox News mascot (right).

"If somebody had taken a poll in the Battle of the Bulge, I dare say people would have said, 'Wow, my goodness, what are we doing here?' But you cannot conduct a war based on polls." Said Bushco™ talk monkey Tony Snow in response to opinion polls suggesting that most Americans are increasingly uneasy about the war.

Great point, Mr Snow. Only one small difference between Iraq and the Battle of the Bulge: this time we're the fucking Germans. How many WWII vets must choke every time they hear a classless Cuntservative like Snow compare the war against Hitler with Bush's cheap and nasty invasion of Iraq?

But at least it was good to hear Pennsylvania Democrat and Vietnam War veteran John Murtha calling out Karl Rove for championing the war while "sitting in his air-conditioned office on his big, fat backside." It's the traditional Cuntservative approach to war: wrap yourself in the flag, talk the big talk and hope nobody recognizes you for the gutless pussy trading in other people's misery that you really are. Seems to work like a dream.

Just for the record, why not refresh your memory with a visit to the Republican War Heroes' Hall of Fame. The whole chickenhawk controversy might have gotten old for the wing nuts, but it's fresher and stinkier than a newly evacuated dog turd for Fried Wire. (Link to this)

IOWA'S GIANT COCK
June 18, 2006

Flood safety detention basin built to resemble big cock and balls

This four-acre basin was constructed about two years ago help prevent flooding in Des Moines, Iowa. City Engineer Jeb Brewer swears that consultants did not design the $5.7 million detention basin to resemble anything, but recent emails to City Hall from area residents seem to have found 'art' in the not-so-subtle phallic design.

"It's pretty functional," Brewer said. "There's no artistic statement in our detention basin." (story) (Link to this)

IDAHO MAN'S ULTIMATE 'DOH!' DAY
June 17, 2006

Man murders wife then kills two in car wreck en route to his own suicide

Serial spouse abuser Alofa Time (left) was arrested by horrified cops in Idaho after his wife's severed head flew from the bed of his truck and hit an oncoming car during an accident.

Time also killed a mother and her 4-year old daughter in the wreck while on his way to commit suicide. The headless body of his wife was later found at home. "This so much resembles a bad horror movie that you have a hard time believing it. This is about 9.5 on the horrific scale," said Boise Police Lt. Ron Winegar.

Ever have one of those days you wish you could just rewind and start over? I'm pretty sure this guy has. (Link to this)

THE GOP HINDENBURG
June 16, 2006

Bushco™ order giant blimps to spy on America

A freakin' blimp? What is this, 1935?

The government has hired Lockheed Martin to design and develop an enormous blimp to be used by agencies such as the NSA to spy on us. A prototype of the blimp is already being developed at a cost of $40 million. The spy ship, called the High Altitude Airship, will be seventeen times larger than the Goodyear Blimp and hover 12 miles above the ground. The government has ordered 11 of them - enough to monitor every parcel of land in the U.S. (story)

With the amount of domestic spying going on under Bush (and fuck that "war on terror" excuse) it's easy to get the impression that he neither respects nor trusts the American people. But, at least, the feeling's mutual. (Link to this)

CENSORHIP IN AMERICA
June 15, 2006

Bush signs Broadcast Decency Law

Another great leap forward in the people's struggle against George Carlin and Janet Jackson's mammaries!

Thanks to Bush, broadcasters will now be subject to higher fines for programming that exceeds "the bounds of decency." The Federal Communications Commission can now fine networks up to $325,000 per incident. (story) And, probably, stone or flagellate offending schedulers.

But for once, Bush is actually reflecting public opinion and not just the will of his retarded grassroots. The majority of Americans actually favor censorship over all broadcast media and (ominously) the Internet. But that doesn't stop us spending more than $10 billion a year on porn at the same time. Hey, don't judge us... we're complicated people. (Link to this)

NEOCONS DISBAND?
June 15, 2006

Project For A New American Century calls it a day

The Washington Post is quoting one unidentified PNAC source as saying that the group was "heading toward closing" with the feeling of "goal accomplished" in its aim of promoting worldwide US hegemony and dominance in the Mid East. The nine-year-old group, whose 27 founders included Vice President Dick Cheney, Pentagon chief Donald Rumsfeld and at least half a dozen of the most powerful hawks (or hacks?) in the George W. Bush administration, has been inactive since January 2005, the last time it released a statement. (story)

Iraq is in civil war, Afghanistan is unraveling, Bush is defying World War 3 over Iran, Hammas runs Palestine, the Israelis are in super-belligerent mode and the US has never been so unpopular abroad... This is winning? It seems that neocons are just as keen on deluding themselves as they are the public. (Link to this)

HAPPY JUNETEENTH
June 14, 2006

Juneteenth is the oldest nationally celebrated commemoration of the ending of slavery in the United States. On June 19, 1865, two and a half years after President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, Major General Gordon Granger arrived in Texas to announce that the Civil War had ended and that the enslaved people were now free. In cities across the country, people of all races, nationalities and religions celebrate this event to acknowledge a period in our history that shaped and continues to influence our society today. Today Juneteenth commemorates African American freedom and emphasizes education and achievement. (story)

So happy Juneteenth to all you small-minded bigoted fucks out there who are instinctively irritated that this event even exists. Yup, it's political correctness gone mad blah, blah... (Link to this)

FAIRY GODFATHER OFF THE HOOK
June 13, 2006

Patrick Fitzgerald announces no indictment for Rove

"The prosecutor's decision not to indict Karl Rove does not diminish the fact that Karl Rove was involved in leaking the identity of an intelligence operative during a time of war. Karl Rove does not belong in the White House."
Howard Dean (story)

So what you gonna do about it Howie? Looks like the GOP has fucked us all over once again, you included. Thanks for the help there, big guy. (This picture and more at NakedRepublicans.com) (Link to this)

IN THE SHALLOW END OF THE GENE POOL
June 13, 2006

Fried Wire salutes the day's best dumbasses

Clerical staff at the Rural Payment Agency, a government office administering billions of dollars worth of subsidies for British farmers, have been fired for indulging in 'depraved' office pranks. Examples of inappropriate behavior included:

• Leaping naked from office filing cabinets
• Leaving cups of vomit in cupboards
• Taking drugs
• Having sex in toilets
• Holding breakdancing competitions during office hours

Although Fried Wire would employ any of these guys in a heart beat, it's not really the kind of stuff that goes down well on a resume. So why do dumbasses do as they do in spite of all the risks attached? Perhaps Milwaukee dumbass Tyler Groth has the answer. When asked why he vandalized a Catholic shrine with satanic graffiti, Groth replied, "because I'm a punk - that's what I do." Case dismissed. (Link to this)

HOUSE VOTES TO SCREW INTERNET
June 13, 2006

ISPs given free rein to impose censorship

Click and be happy for tomorrow we may die. At least on the internet. Those greedy fat-headed fucks in Washington just voted down a bill to preserve net neutrality by a 269 to 152 vote. The Republicans mustered enough votes to reject a Democrat-backed amendment that would have enshrined stiff regulations into federal law and prevented broadband providers from treating some Web sites differently from others. This vote will change "the internet for the rest of eternity," warned Ed Markey, the Massachusetts Democrat behind the net neutrality amendment. (story)

So when the only sites available to browse are the pop-up laden piles of commercial crap paid for by monolithic corporations (bye bye dot orgs, independent blogs, political sites and charity pages) you can say thank you to the greedy fucks in Washington for making things shitter again.

And if you, dear reader, find Fried Wire offends your cuntservative values, don't worry - it won't be long before your ISP blocks me. (Link to this)

THE DEMOCRAT DREAM TICKET?
June 11, 2006

Pull the plug on the GOP and call it done: McCain/Bush 2008

Some Republicans, perhaps those with even less instinct to succeed than mainstream Democrats, are hoping to persuade Jeb Bush to become McCain's running mate (story) and help grease his slime trail to presidential ego-gasm in 2008.

This is a dream ticket for anyone longing to see the GOP fall flat on it's fat, crooked face. The sane American majority (even one so bludgeoned by relentless cuntservative propaganda and overwhelmed by the urge to care less) would never vote for this in a million years. McCain/Bush 2008? Welcome to hell, snowballs. (Link to this)

DIRTY COP
June 10, 2006

(a.k.a. a slow news day)

Jack Munsey used to be a cop in Martin County, Florida until he was fired for behavior that 'violated department policies.' Munsey's career highlights include getting busted surfing porn while on duty, totaling his cruiser while speeding with a Playboy magazine on board and, most recently, using his dash cam to 'record close-ups of girls in short skirts and bikinis.' (story)

Fried Wire salutes officer Munsey: a dedicated and courageous masturbator. (Link to this)

CUNTS IN DEFENSE OF A CUNT
June 8, 2006

Wingnut bloggers defend Coulter slamming 9-11 widows

What can you say when an emaciated she-male skank attacks the widows of 9-11 victims calling them 'harpies' and 'witches?' (story)

If you're the white trash at The American Thinker you might just say this: "Ann Coulter is right when she says Dems keep using these terror victims family members to beat the liberal-left's anti-war drum and it's pathetic and frankly, it's sickening."

Far be it from me to wish that tragedy be visited upon Coulter and/or everyone at The American Thinker, but I sincerely hope these inhumane cocksuckers someday get to feel the pain and suffering they're so ready to belittle in others. (Link to this)

BAD DAY FOR ENEMIES OF AMERICA
June 8, 2006

Separation of what and what..?

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi gets his courtesy of the US Air force. The Red state theocrats get their's courtesy of the US Senate. Fried Wire would like to extend thanks to both. (link to this)

BUSH SAYS A MOUTHFUL
June 8, 2006

President insists English must be spoken by immigrants

This week, while visiting a community center that offers assistance to immigrants living in Omaha, Bush emphasized that learning English should be a prerequisite for illegal immigrants wishing to stay in the US. (story) He then demonstrated his own mastery of the language by announcing to his audience that "You got to learn the English language. In other words, you got to repay a debt to society and learn the skills necessary to assimilate into our society." You first, mush mouth.

Durr Fuehrer then told a Venezuelan woman in the audience that he worried about her country and took a pop at Hugo Chavez saying "Sometimes leaders show up who do a great disservice to the traditions and people of a country." There is an underlying sense of ironic humor in much of Bush's recent work. (Link to this)

IT'S FLAGS AND FAGS TIME AGAIN
June 7, 2006

Bushco™ push the issues America doesn't care about

Gay marriage and flag burning may push buttons with the God-botherers and win elections for Republicans, but nobody gives a rat's ass in the real world according to the opinion pollsters.

When a CBS News Poll in May asked respondents to name the most important problems facing America today, Gay marriage and flag burning were not mentioned. War in Iraq topped the list while the other seven were: economy/jobs, immigration, gas/heating oil crisis, terrorism, health care, defense/military, and Bush in that order.

So it's great to see Bushco™ pushing ahead with the old flags and fags strategy again. Perhaps this time the voters might get the message: the GOP doesn't give a shit about anything you care about. (Link to this)

STUPID AT 200 MILES PER HOUR
June 7, 2006

Church of Scientology launches NASCAR team

The Dianetics Racing Team, named after the best-selling book written by the movement's founder, L. Ron Hubbard, has joined the NASCAR circuit. Kenton Gray, a California race-car driver who says Dianetics helped his life and driving performance, will head the team. (story)

"It's markedly improved my focus and my consistency," said Gray. "Through Dianetics I've handled stress and increased my performance and ability to compete - both on the track and in life." Well bless my thetans... here comes the Hollywood elite/redneck nexus. (Link to this)

BLIND PANIC AND GOVERNMENT INSANITY
June 6, 2006

US to spray eye-eating fungus on other countries

Fusarium keratitis is a nasty-ass disease, first detected in Asia, that's currently spreading in the US. It's caused by a fungus that penetrates the cornea of soft contact lens wearers causing damage to the eye that can lead to blindness. On May 15, 2006, Bausch & Lomb recalled its "ReNu with MoistureLoc" contact lens solution after it was linked to cases of the disease. Meanwhile, the FDA, CDC and lawyers with hard-ons continue to investigate.

But the panic didn't stop the House of Representatives passing a provision later that week ordering the very same fungus to be sprayed "in major drug-producing countries" as part the fatuous War on Drugs. Congratulations, Washington fuckwits, a hitherto unexplored level of dangerous stupidity has been reached. Wouldn't it be kinder to just carry on bombing Third World countries instead? (story) (Link to this)

BLACKWELL'S CRIMES AGAINST DEMOCRACY
June 6, 2006

Ohio gubernatorial candidate bans opponents

Kenneth J. Blackwell: helping black people not to vote since 1994

Ohio Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell, Ohio's election administrator and co-chair of the Bush-Cheney campaign in 2004, is no stranger to accusations of electoral malfeasance. After he delivered Ohio's electoral votes to the GOP that year in an election dominated by charges of ballot destruction, intimidation, fraud, and theft - charges which continue to escalate today - he's still sitting pretty in the governor's mansion like the midwest's very own Boss Hog.

Now, in a move straight out of the banana republic playbook, Blackwell is refusing to allow Ohio's Green Party candidate to run for governor having declined to certify the party in spite of them having twice the legally required number of petition signatures for inclusion in the ballot. (story)

So why would Boss Blackwell be resorting to such extreme measures? Green prospect Bob Fitrakis is among the most vocal in criticizing Blackwell's crimes against democracy and was intending to make them the focus of his campaign. So, as Blackwell himself is seeking the governor gig, what better way of shutting down the opposition than using your position as Secretary of State to disqualify the other guy?

Just a small point, but aren't our troops out in Iraq and Afghanistan supposed to be fighting and dying for democracy? Perhaps they need to get out of Baghdad and over to Columbus, Ohio to dig another despot out of his spider hole. (Link to this)

PAT ROBERTSON'S TRUTH-DEFYING SHAKE
June 5, 2006

Pat Robertson leg presses 2,000 pounds

Pat Robertson is currently advertising his miracle protein shake on CBN by posting a video of himself leg pressing 2,000 pounds - almost equaling the weight of his own box-like head.
That's mighty impressive for a 76 year old man considering the current world record is only slightly over 1000 pounds. Could it be that Holy Pat is just a liar, liar, cassock on fire?

In the real world, Pat's protein shake has just been dropped by U.S. nutritional supplement firm GNC Corporation. Perhaps it's for the best. Who wants to see hordes of pumped-up CBN viewers rampaging across the nation leg pressing semis and wreaking their wrinkly wrath on the young and godless? (Link to this)

A MONDAY MORNING MUSING
June 5, 2006

A Dutch weed scientist tends his legally smoke-able crop of government weed.

Why do I live in a country dominated by the moronic will of the American Taliban when I could be living in the Netherlands? Or, more interestingly, wouldn't America be an infinitely better place if all our cuntservative cock knockers were strapped down and forced to partake in the common Dutch pastime of getting chinese-eyes? At least they can't take my dreams away... though I'm sure they're working on it. (Link to this)

BUSHCO™ GREATEST HITS (TRACK 1)
June 4, 2006

Bush to propose gay marriage amendment

Nazis and Bushbots: more than enough irrational hatred and Freudian angst to go round.

For the first time since 2004, Bush will soon be flogging his one-trick pony election winner by proposing constitutional amendments defining marriage as the union of a man and woman. (story) Hallelujah, it's votin' time!

But what about the American middle class becoming a serfdom of check-to-check wage slaves? Disaster festering in Iraq? The dollar in freefall? Our kids' futures squandered by criminal incompetents..? None of this pushes buttons in the heartland because you're all too busy worrying about fags getting hitched. May I now coin the term 'Dumbfuckocracy?' (Link to this)

MORE NEW SPECIES FOUND IN ISRAEL
June 4, 2006

Eight previously unknown species have been discovered in a cave in central Israel. The largest is a white shrimp-like crustacean while another resembles a type of blind scorpion. Scientists say it is a unique ecosystem that has been sealed off from the rest of the world for five million years. (story)

So when will the Likud party activists start bussing in settlers to take over the cave system claiming they were living there first? (Link to this)

LET ME COUNT THE WAYS I HATE YOU
June 4, 2006

AOL voted worst tech product of all time

As an ex-user who suffered years of dial-up hell courtesy of AOL, only to learn that leaving them is harder than walking out on the Moonies, I fully endorse PC World in ranking them number one in their list of 25 worst tech products of all time. I couldn't say it better than:

"How do we loathe AOL? Let us count the ways. Since America Online emerged from the belly of a BBS called Quantum "PC-Link" in 1989, users have suffered through awful software, inaccessible dial-up numbers, rapacious marketing, in-your-face advertising, questionable billing practices, inexcusably poor customer service, and enough spam to last a lifetime. And all the while, AOL remained more expensive than its major competitors."

Depressing to think this next-to useless ISP is currently lobbying the idiots in Washington to let them rebuild the Web in their own shitty image with their pay-to-use, two-tiered Internet plan. Screw you, AOL stickman fuck! (Link to this)

BUSHCO™: WORKING FOR THE MAN EVERY NIGHT AND DAY
June 2, 2006

Senate to consider repeal of estate tax

In a sane world, debates about the relative merits of common sense v. greed would be considered redundant. But not in ours.

The rich guy support group, known officially as the US Senate, is now all fired up to repeal the 90-year old estate tax at an estimated cost (to other taxpayers) of $1 trillion. Who gains? Two examples: (1) Former ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond, who'd get a break worth more than $160 million, and (2) Bush, Cheney and their 11 cabinet stooges who would rake in as much as $344 million between them. (story)

Remember when rich people used to hustle for a living? Now they're just parasites clamped to the asses of working Americans like welfare whores in interstellar overdrive. Welcome to the Bushco™ plutocracy: if you don't think it sucks, you're either rich without a conscience or poor without a brain. (Link to this)

ANOTHER BAD POLL FOR POTUS
June 1, 2006

Bush ranked worst president since 1945

For those amongst us who regard George Bush as the worst president ever, it may be slightly underwhelming to discover that he's only been ranked worst president since 1945 in a recent poll conducted by Quinnipiac University. The poll surveyed 1,534 registered voters nationwide with 34% selecting Bush as worst and 28% selecting Reagan as best. (story)

Fried Wire would like to go a step further and nominate His Idiocy, King George IV, not only Worst President Ever, but all-time, number one enemy of the state. When was the last time a US president held his own people in such contempt and showed so little will to even fake affection for the Constitution he was elected to protect? It doesn't even warrant an explanation any more.

And, in his harshest criticism yet, Al Gore, the 2000 president elect, has likened the Bush administration to a "renegade band of right-wing extremists." Not so much an accusation as a straightforward statement of fact I'd say. (Link to this)

FROM 1984 TO ANIMAL FARM: THE BUSHCO™ GEORGE ORWELL REDUX
June 1, 2006

Feds set to spy on cattle

Another al Cowda sleeper cell uncovered?

It's not often that I read "Beef Talk", but I just took an enlightening peek into cow-poop-stinky ag world and I'm still shocked.

Just as we get used to the idea of Bush's all-surveilling security apparatus combing through every part of our private lives, it now seems that we'll have to get used to Gonzo's spooks keeping tabs on our pigs, chickens and cows as well.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture is pressing forward with its National Animal Identification System (NAIS) plan to monitor the nation's livestock. NAIS will require every farm animal to be tagged with a global positioning satellite tracking device in order that the feds can follow it from birth to slaughterhouse. (story)

According to the great Ron Paul (peace be upon him), "Once NAIS becomes mandatory, any failure to report and tag an animal subjects the owner to $1,000 per day fines... These farmers and ranchers literally will be paying for an assault on their property and privacy rights." NAIS begs the obvious question: what's the fucking point? Are al Qaeda infiltrating our livestock? Are there Islamic fundamentalist sleeper herds amongst our red-blooded American cattle? Or, as we seem to be behaving in remarkably similar ways these days, is cattle-tracking just the field test for the human version? (Link to this)

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