WHITNEY,
BOBBY AND OSAMA MAKES THREE - THE SEQUEL
August
31, 2006
Fried
Wire is still stunned by recent revelations that Osama
bin Laden once had a crush on Whitney Houston. It's
a true international terrorist meets ersatz soulstress
soap plot to be sure. And now here's episode two...
According to showbiz gossip, Bobby Brown has skipped
the marital crack house to 'exercise his prerogative' with 'hip-hop
temptress' Karrine Steffans. Self-confessed former 'coke whore' Steffans
claims that when she first met Bobby, "...he told me he was a member
of Al Qaeda and that President Bush was looking for him."
Huh..? Aaron Spelling couldn't make this shit up. (Link
to this)
TURD-POLISHING
AND LIES
August
31, 2006
"With
the growing lethality and the increasing availability
of weapons, can we truly afford to believe that somehow,
some way, vicious extremists can be appeased?"
Donald H. Rumsfeld, Tuesday,
August 29, 2006.
Rumsfeld
made a spectacularly dumb speech to a veterans
group on Tuesday that painted Democrats and anti-Iraq
war activists (and, by default, those
56% of Americans who say yes when asked "do
you think the United States made a mistake in sending
troops to Iraq?") as flag-burning fifth-columnists.
His bullshit message was that Democrats who oppose
the war are the same as the Hitler-appeasing non-interventionists
of the pre-WWII years. Really?
Perhaps it's the Alzheimer's. Or maybe Rumsfeld is relying on the fact
that nobody will remember it was American conservatives like Ayn
Rand, William
Borah, Robert
Taft, Charles
Lindbergh and the America
First Committee who most vociferously opposed the then Democratic
president's calls to kick Hitler's ass. And let's not mention Dubya's
non-interventionist grandaddy, Prescott
Bush, having his company busted by the feds under the
Trading with the Enemy Act.
Yup, as far as big balls and brass necks go, Rumsfeld should get to keep
the trophy. (Link to this)
BLAMEGATE
OVER
August
30, 2006
Valerie
Plame ID leak traced to Richard Armitage
During
the past few years, the American MSM and the ass-covering
pols in DC have managed to turn one simple act of treasonous
cynicism into a partisan bore-fest of Homeric proportions.
After jumping from one suspect to another during the
course of the 'Plamegate' investigation, the MSM has
now decided
that it was then-Deputy Secretary of State Richard L.
Armitage who blew Plame's cover to Robert Novak.
The inference now is that we can all shut up about Rove, Libby, Cheney,
Bush, etc., and get on with ignoring reality. But that doesn't un-happen
three years of Bushco™ bullshit. Even though every wingnut in America
will crow about the 'liberal witch hunt' failing and rejoice that it's
all over, these bullet points still stand:
As
long-drawn out, tangled intrigues go, this one is hardly
over - however much Rush Limbaugh and his lumpen proles
would like it to be. (Link to this)
REDNECK
FAUX-JEW PREDICTS END OF WORLD
August
29, 2006
Ex-country
singer claims Mid-East nuclear war will start in two
weeks
Yisrayl
Hawkins (born Buffalo Bill Hawkins) is staking his doom
seer rep on nuclear war breaking out on September 12.
Most prophets prefer to pitch their predictions a few
years ahead so that everyone's forgotten all about them
by the time they fail to materialize. Not so Hawkins
who's boldly foreseeing a mere two weeks ahead.
According to the press
release from Hawkins' House of Yahweh, Abilene, TX, "Calling
upon his 50 years of biblical research, Hawkins correlates numerous Bible
prophecies with world events to support his claim." Even though
'Hawkins' House of Yahweh' sounds like a restaurant chain run by Jehovah's
Witnesses, is that reason enough not to take him seriously? Should we
be worried?
Although Hawkins claims to trace his Jewish lineage all the way back
to the tribe of Levi, his brother says "He
ain't got both oars in the water, if you know what I mean. Our daddy
was a Dutchman, our mother was three-quarters Cherokee, and we don't
have a drop of Jewish blood in us." Perhaps we shouldn't be ordering
fallout shelters just yet.
Please don't forget to call Hawkins'
House of Yahweh at 325-672-9492 on September 13 and wish them better
luck next time. (Link to this)
OH
GOD...
August
28, 2006
Suicided
screedmeister Hunter S. Thompson once summed up the 1992
election as "a choice between a scorpion and a gila
monster." Perhaps he should be glad he won't be
around in 2008 to witness the stumble-fuck battle royale
for adequacy between the coffin dodger and the android
pictured above. Is this what you end up with after 230
years of independence? Maybe the Jeezuzlanders are correct
when they tell us there's no such thing as evolution.
(Link to this)
BUSHCO™ BOOM
MUGGED BY REALITY
August
28, 2006
"Some
people who aren’t partisans say, 'Yes, the economy’s
pretty good, so why are people so agitated and anxious?'
The answer is they don’t feel it in their weekly
paychecks."
Frank Luntz, Republican campaign consultant
Since
Bushco™ grabbed the reins of power, we've been
told how well the economy has responded to their gentle
care. They tell us how much lower our taxes are and how
much better off we are under the King Midas-like auspices
of the neoconservatives. Of course, this is complete
bullshit.
Anyone who bothers to check their pay stubs, read their investment statements
or just take a passing glance at what the fuck is going on in the world
will know that our economy is screwed. Sure, far up the economic food
chain, things are going great for champagne-chugging monopoly men like Lee
Raymond, but that means nothing to America's shat-upon middle classes
who keep working harder for less.
According to the NYT "The median hourly wage for American workers
has declined 2 percent since 2003, after factoring in inflation. As a
result, wages and salaries now make up the lowest share of the nation’s
gross domestic product since the government began recording the data
in 1947, while corporate profits have climbed to their highest share
since the 1960s."
During Lizard King Bill's campaign to dethrone the previous Bush, party
strategist James Carville put up a sign at Little Rock HQ bearing the
simple motto "It's
the economy, stupid." This proved an effective way to keep Clinton's
mind focused on his opponent's weakest point lest it should wander away
into the realms of idle pornographic reverie. And the Democrats won.
DNC 2006 take note: Plus ça
change, plus c’est la même chose. Sure it's harder to
fit on a white board, but it could be helpful for the anti-Bushistas
to remember during this year's mid-term campaigning. (Link
to this)
FAIR
AND BALANCED AND DEATH TO THE INFIDEL™
August
27, 2006
Kidnapped
journos convert to Islam at gunpoint
The
Holy Jihad Brigade militants released abducted Fox journalists
Steve Centanni and New Zealand-born cameraman Olaf Wiig
after forcing
them at gunpoint to convert to Islam. As far as proselytism
goes, it's a tad heavy-handed (Jehovah's Witnesses take
note) but evidently an effective technique. "I changed
my name to Khaled. I have embraced Islam and say the
word Allah," Centanni said.
The idea of Muslim journalists working for Fox is mind-bending. After
all, it's always recent
converts who are most zealous (just like new non-smokers) according
to British intelligence. Will we have to get used to Bill O'Reilly signing
off with a cheery "Allahu Akbar" and is there room on Fox's
encyclopaedic hate list to squeeze in 'the infidel'?
And now, over to Mecca for five o'clock prayers with Bill Kristol...
(Link to this)
TODAY'S
JESUS-SHAPED STUFF
August
26, 2006
A
woman in Pittsburgh doesn't know how to explain the Jesus
shaped MRI scan she just had. She said "You
can almost seen the thorns around the head and the nails...
the nails through the feet." Of course, there's
a miracle attached: "My neck does feel better. I
don't know if that was Jesus or physical therapy."
This latest holy manifestation comes hot-on-the-heels of last week's chocolate
drip/turdular Virgin Mary in California. Amazingly, most American
Christians are still convinced it's them damn' towelheads who are crazy.
(Link to this)
DEAD
CONSERVATIVES SOCIETY
August
25, 2006
Bill
Kristol, PNAC conservative, gets pied last year. "The
former chief of staff to Dan Quayle seemed to take the
attack in stride. His wife is concerned about his suit." (story)
Merriam-Webster
defines 'Conservative' as: "[T]ending or
disposed to maintain existing views, conditions, or institutions
: TRADITIONAL b: marked by moderation or caution c: marked
by or relating to traditional norms of taste, elegance,
style, or manners."
Sound
like anyone you know? Nope. Me neither. This is because,
some time after 9-11, conservatives metamorphosed,
V-like, into the cuntservatives we know today. Suddenly
it became 'conservative' to bend over for 'big government'
and to cheerlead without question as our quasi-democracy
is dragged into a chickenshit new world of mass surveillance,
rendition, legalized torture, preemptive war and submissive,
propaganda-spewing news media. What is 'conservative'
about any of this crap?
And, in a world where Rush Limbaugh is straight-facedly referred to as
a 'conservative
broadcaster,' how can anyone doubt that the label 'conservative'
is now deader than 'whig?'. Indeed, anyone who conforms to the dictionary
definition of conservative is now, ironically, more likely to be labeled
as "far-left" by new school fascists like Limbaugh, Hannity
(see: sucks ass) and O'Reilly. There are
no conservatives any more. They have been forced to shut up or been driven
out of the think tanks by the didacticists of the extreme right.
Today there are only totalitarians in thin disguises with lower-case
'c's and capital 'cunts' for whom 'conservative values' mean nada. Cue:
Bill Kristol.
Bill
was on F(oxymoron) news yesterday warning: "we could be in
a military confrontation with Iran much sooner than people expect." Who
is this cocksucker trying to kid? Kristol is hyping Iran as a crisis
and stirring up the domestic fear pot to hasten a third Mid-east US
occupation to fulfill the
rampantly unconservative PNAC plan he co-authored. Because, as Retired
General Robert G. Gard said recently, "To call the Iranian
situation a 'crisis' connotes you have to do something right now, like
bomb them." Effectively, this dangerous parasite is publicly inciting
mass murder.
If blood-lusting psychopaths like Kristol represent conservative 'values,'
call me a Bangkok lady-boy. (Link to this)
WHAT'S
INNAPPROPRIATE IN GUJARATI?
August
23, 2006
Indian
weirdo launches Hitler restaurant
Sure
it's weird that a Mumbai entrepreneur should build a restaurant
themed around Adolf Hitler, but, weirder still, are
the facts that (a) The news agencies keep reporting that
the restaurant offends "India's small Jewish population" as
if everyone else thinks it's an excellent idea and (b)
Mumbai's police chief said he was yet to receive any
complaint against the restaurant.
Looking forward to seeing the mascot style outfits they're planning for
their flyer staff and, please God, let's hope they never get to install
a "More Than 6 Million Served" sign outside. (Link
to this)
AN
INSIGHT INTO THE MIND OF THE ANTI-GENIUS
August
23, 2006
Dear
Leader admits Iraq had 'nothing to do with 9-11' and
had no WMDs
The
lies and distortions deployed as justification for the
invasion of Iraq have been busted for years. Now even
Bush himself has spoken. (story)
Can the WMDs/9-11 involvement bullshit arguments finally get a decent
burial after this? Could all the cuntservative fearmongers and lie-swappers
now please shut their mouths? Could the unknown White House aide who
slipped lithium into Durr Fuehrer's afternoon Tang please keep up the
good work??? (Link to this)
WHITNEY,
BOBBY AND OSAMA MAKES THREE
August
22, 2006
Bin
Laden's former sex slave reveals his jones for Whitney
Houston
Can
Muslims have beer goggles?
Some
stories are just too freakin' weird. Is it true? Is it
bullshit? Is it a GOP talking point? Try
this one on for size:
"LONDON,
Aug. 21 (UPI) -- A Sudanese writer who claims she was
Osama bin Laden's sex slave says the terror mastermind
once had his sights set on U.S. singer Whitney Houston.
The
Daily Mail reported Monday that Kola
Boof, born on the Nile River in Sudan, claims to
have been held prisoner for four months in a Moroccan
hotel some 10 years ago where she was raped by al-Qaida
leader.
She
wrote in her autobiography, "Diary of a Lost Girl," which
was excerpted in Harpers' Bazaar magazine: "He
told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen."
She
said bin Laden was "obsessed" with the singer
and considered killing her husband, Bobby Brown.
"Whitney
Houston's name was the one that would be mention constantly," the
Mail reported.
Boof
also says bin Laden not only read the Koran, but she
came across Star and Playboy magazines in his briefcase.
His favorite television shows, she claims, were U.S.
series "The Wonder Years," "Miami Vice" and "MacGyver."
Perhaps
the ugly truth that flight 93 was brought down en route
to Bobby Brown's crib on 9-11 will one day emerge. It
could have been three targets of strategic, national
importance that day: The World Trade Center, The Pentagon and R&B
crack connoisseur Bobby Brown. Consider your mind blown,
gentle reader. (Link
to this)
FRIED
WIRE BOO-HOO OF THE MONTH AWARD
August
22, 2006
Man-up,
bitch, it's Boo-hoo of the Month time
The
judging panel had a hard time with this one. There are
just too many karmically-challenged dicks around who,
as the saying goes, 'bring it on themselves.' But, after
much deliberation, here are the winners in descending
order:
In
third place...
An anonymous freelance producer and camera operator is suing Flava Works,
a Chicago-based adult enter-tainment company, for revealing his identity
as the director of two of their gay porn 'releases.' He agreed to film
and direct "Dorm Life 6" and "Dorm Life 7: Hot and Creamy" on
the proviso that his name would not appear on the credits. Whoops...
guess what? After "Dorm Life 6" made top black, gay DVD in
the U.S. for five weeks in a row, John Doe became a reluctant gay porn
'big shot.' Talk about having (something similar to) egg on your face.
(story)
And
in second place...
After swinging Florida for Bushco™ in her twin capacities as Bush-Cheney
2000 campaign co-chair and Florida Secretary of State, Katharine Harris
sampled a steaming plate of karma this week when no-one turned for her
campaign rally. The nine other officials listed on her event flyer failed
to show and Harris was left to address the thronging crowd of 40 supporters,
reporters and campaign-staff members alone. Unwisely, Harris chose to
hold the sad event in an aircraft hangar, which only emphasized the paucity
of the 'crowd.' The customary climactic balloon drop also provided a
pathetic spectacle in an almost empty room with the sound of crickets
chirping in the background. How the mighty have fallen. (story)
Above:
See Katherine
Harris' campaign Web site as of August 22, 2006.
Note zero comments in four months.
And the winner is...
During an August 21 press conference, President Bush faced a question
regarding whether he is frustrated by news from Iraq and the lack of
gratitude among the Iraqi people. Bush responded, "Frustrated? Sometimes
I'm frustrated." So there we have it: the problem with Iraq is that
the Iraqis just ain't grateful enough to our leader for so selflessly
super-sizing their totalitarian shit hole into a free-for-all hell hole.
Poor George. Boo-fucking-hoo. (story)
(Link to this)
CLINTON
II: THE BEST PICK FOR 2008?
August
21, 2006
Hillary
Clinton more popular than the MSM would have you believe
First
off, am I retarded or is this
Fox copy writer a master of irony?
"WASHINGTON
A poll finds Republican Senator John McCain has a ten
point lead over Massachusetts Senator John Kerry for
the Democratic presidential nomination."
Enough
said. But should McCain instead choose to run as a Republican,
it seems that the only Dem within spitting distance of
blocking his power-hobble to the White House will be
Hillary Clinton who is only 3% behind the geriatric douche
bag in a recent Time poll. Time sums
up thusly:
"In
Blue America, they're watching a Lifetime movie about
the country's first female President. In Red America,
they're watching Godzilla."
Yup.
Seems like Clinton's more popular than President-elect
Gore and Kerry were back in the day. Now, if we can just
keep that Elmer Fudd-sounding McCain tool out of the
White house, we could all be throwing round the word
'bitch' in a couple of years in reference to the Prez.
It will make a nice change from 'dick' at least.
Fried Wire smells a Margaret Thatcher in the works. And, worse than that,
a Margaret Thatcher in fake-liberal sheep's clothing. (Link
to this)
QUOTE
OF THE DAY
August
18, 2006
"The
Supreme Court said dalliance with dwarves would gradually
erode the public's acceptance of the judiciary as the
guardian of the law."
(BBC
News sums up the Philippines Supreme Court ruling
in the case of a judge who was fired for consulting
imaginary mystic dwarves.) (Link
to this)
US
AIRLINE URGES BROKE EMPLOYEES TO GO DUMPSTER DIVING
August
17, 2006
Northwest
Airlines - the no. 5 US carrier - is preparing for bankruptcy.
And, like any good employer, they are doing what they
can to help their employees through the bad times.
The company recently sent out a booklet entitled "Preparing for
a Financial Setback" to employees which suggested ways for them
to make the most of their reduced salaries. A section entitled "101
ways to save money" contained tips such as shopping in thrift stores,
taking "a date for a walk along the beach or in the woods" and
not being "shy about pulling something you like out of the trash."
A company spokesman agreed that "some of these suggestions and tips
... were a bit insensitive." (story)
It all sounds terrible to be sure but, worry not: CEO Doug
Steenland's $1.46 million a year is safe. (Link
to this)
THEY'RE
BACK...
August
16, 2006
See 2004's
shit-slingfest in the archive...
In
extreme right-wing world, truth can be disregarded, reversed,
bent and twisted into a veritable balloon animal menagerie
of impossible shapes. Cue Swiftboat Veterans For "Truth."
After slinging enough shit at John Kerry in 2004 to make his mediocre
candidacy untenable, the pro-Bushco™ lying battalion has now sicked
a snuff campaign on anti-Iraq war Democrat John P. Murtha. "I will
do my best to 'Swift boat' John Murtha," retired Navy Capt. Larry
Bailey said at a recent news conference. (story)
It will be interesting to see how these nasty little pricks spin Murtha's
military record:
- Distinguished
Service Medal, 1990
- Bronze
Star with Combat V, 1966
- Purple
Heart, 1966
- Purple
Heart, second award, 1966
- Vietnamese
Cross of Galantry, 1966
As
usual, the reality of a guy's record doesn't matter a
damn to the Stalinist revionists of cuntservative America
- it's only blind allegiance to the Bushco™ revolution
that counts. Those who have served their country honorably
(Kerry, Cleland and
now Murtha) are damned as peaceniks because they're Dems,
while Republican
chickenhawks and draft dodgers are lauded as big-balled
Rambos. Have we really sunk to this again? (Link
to this)
REPUBLICANS
WITH RACIAL TOURETTE'S
August
15, 2006
Senator
George Allen apologized yesterday for insulting
a campaign rival's staff member with a racial slur during
a speech in the town of Breaks on the Virginia/Kentucky
border. Shame on you, Senator, don't you realize there's
no place for racism in that part of the world?
Allen used the word 'macaca' several times to describe a 20-year-old
volunteer of Indian descent on his Demoocratic rival's campaign team.
He later claimed that he had no idea what it meant. Said Allen: "I
would never want to demean him as an individual. I do apologize if he's
offended by that. That was no way the point." How could anybody,
after all, take offense at being compared to a Macaque monkey? Look how
cute they are.
But Allen is not the only Republican who should be booking himself in
for a sensitivity seminar. Last week, Republican dumbass Mitt
Romney apologized for dropping the term 'tar baby' during a fundraiser
with Iowa Republicans. Romney, who is considering a run for president
in 2008, said "The best thing politically would be to stay as far
away from that tar baby as I can," in reference to a fucked-up engineering
project in Boston that's been dropping chunks of concrete on passing
cars. Romney denies that he knew 'tar baby' was a racial slur. Can a
sitting governor and would-be presidential candidate really be this stupid?
Apparently, yes.
Perhaps Romney and all those other accidental GOP racists should check
out the invaluable Racial
Slurs Database before opening their mouths in future. (Link
to this)
TALK
RADIO HOSTS PAY LISTENER TO RIM BULLDOG
August
13, 2006
KUPD
morning hosts accused of encouraging bestiality
Talk
show hosts John Holmberg and Brady Bogen at at Arizona's KUPD have
been reprimanded by law enforcement after paying
a listener $550 to eat peanut butter off the anus of
an English Bulldog. The Maricopa County Sheriff’s
office say they could face could face animal cruelty
charges if they don’t stop encouraging acts of
animal abuse and bestiality with a new bestiality law
taking effect on August 24. Mark your Calendars: only
two more weeks of legal bulldog rimming left in Arizona!
(Link to this)
HANNITY
SUCKS ASS
August
10, 2006
Lamont
supporter sneaks anti-Hannity sign onto Fox News broadcast
During
Tuesday night's Fox coverage of the Lamont/Lieberman
contest in Connecticut, hapless Colmes was dispatched
to Lamont HQ for a live broadcast. While Hannity spouted
bullshit from the studio, a plucky Lamont supporter switched
his official sign round for the benefit of the cameras.
Sometimes it's the small joys in life that make it worth
living. At last! One opinion expressed on F(oxymoron)
News I can agree with. (Link
to this)
DOCTOR
ZAUIS OUT OF A JOB
August
9, 2006
Joe
Lieberman loses Connecticut, vows to run as spoiler
Despite
the concerted push job conducted by F(oxymoron) News
and miscellaneous
cuntservatives nationwide, Lieberman still got his
sagging ass
handed to him in last night's Connecticut Democratic
primary. Could this be the first time in living memory
that a mainstream media/RNC endorsed candidate has lost
anything?
After all the shit slinging and fake
Web site hacking brouhaha, the Connecticut voters have finally dumped
their sitting Senator in favor of a different multi-millionaire who,
to his credit, doesn't smooch Bush and cheerlead for the Iraq war.
Now the media is asking "Who
brought Joe Lieberman down? Was it the liberal blogs?" Interesting.
Is the inference here that it's one thing for the electorate to be deliberately
and systematically misinformed by the MSM, but a bad thing for them to
be in any way informed by non-corporate bloggers? God forbid American
voters should be exposed to facts and become empowered to make informed
decisions. We vote strictly in accord with irrational fears, prejudices
and our determination to remain ignorant, thank you very much un-American "liberal
bloggers." And we like our spoon-fed lies FDA approved. (Link
to this)
Back
Pages
Fried
Wire Policy and Disclaimer | Hatemail | Hmm... | Fanmail
|
