FREE-REPUBLICANS BLISSFULLY IMMUNE TO IRONY

May 29, 2007

Or do Conservatives just love freedom so much they prefer to keep it to themselves?

Rudy Giuliani: currently dragging in the polls.

Much as I despise that slow-witted, cross-dressing autocrat Rudy Giuliani and would in no way wish to stick up for him or any of the rubes he's suckered, I can't help thinking FreeRepublic.com is being a tad pathetic in banning his supporters from their wingnut rant threads. The New York Observer says: "Over the past few weeks, chaos has reigned in the "Freeper" community as members sympathetic to the former mayor's candidacy claim to have suffered banishment from the site. They were victimized, they say, by a wave of purges designed to weed out any remaining support for the Giuliani campaign on the popular conservative web forum." So much for the 'free' part.

Fried Wire used to welcome snipers and trolls with open arms before I got bored with maintaining a comments section. Now I settle for reading those entertaining hatemails from foaming Jeezuz Nazis that slop into my inbox like Taco Bell Diarrhea instead. But how many cuntservative sites are there out there with the same pussy-authoritarian attitude as Free Republic? God forbid anyone with an opinion more than one degree off true stupid should be allowed to join in the circle jerk. How dull and pathetic it is that their viewpoints can't stand a little to and fro without falling apart like Wal-Mart underpants in a spin cycle - but how strangely comforting it is to realize they know it too. (Link to this)

May 24, 2007

O'Reilly Using The Blunt End of an Already Blunt Instrument

Glad it's not just my untutored opinion that Bill O'Reilly is a cynical propagandist and shit at it. Seems the professionals concur.

Indiana University media researchers employed techniques "used during the late 1930s to study another prominent voice in a war-era, Father Charles Coughlin." The conclusion was that O'Reilly "is a heavier and less-nuanced user of the propaganda devices than Coughlin." Coughlin's sermons famously "evolved into a darker message of anti-Semitism and fascism, and he became a defender of Hitler and Mussolini."

The same research also finds that Fox News host Bill O’Reilly calls "a person or a group a derogatory name once every 6.8 seconds, on average, or nearly nine times every minute during the editorials that open his program each night." (Link to this)

WHERE MY BITCHES AT? FAST FRIENDS, FASTER GETAWAY...

May 23, 2007

Falwell's Funeral: Republicans Stay Away in Droves

John MCCain and Jerry Falwell: friends til death. Literally.

With his Moral Majority crusades and tireless scam to re-tool American politics into a vehicle for the advancement of the religious Wrong, Falwell was probably the biggest single factor behind the success of the Reagan-era Conservative revolution (that and Jimmy Carter). So it would seem churlish of those who gained power, courtesy of a nudge from his pudgy claw, to stay away from his funeral like a bunch of two-faced pussies.

Falwell embodied almost everything that makes our society a crappier place and there would be lines around the block to River Dance gleefully on his XXXL grave. With his sociopathic hucksterism and relentless efforts to misrepresent the creator of the Universe as a small-minded hick in his own image, Falwell sucked like Paris Hilton in a pool full of dicks.

But cuntservative apparatchiks like McCain, Bush, Romney, Giuliani, etc., owe him big time. The Republican nabobs so noticeable by their abscence at his funeral yesterday, would still be languishing in obscurity were it not for Falwell's herds of tame voters. It therefore seems spineless of them to spurn him in death so as to avoid turning off their moderates when they owe their careers to him. Falwell was a loathsome fat fuck, but at least he was no pussy. (Link to this)

BUSHCO PROPAGANDA ORGAN GIVES AIRTIME TO THE TERR'ISTS

May 23, 2007

Bushco™ catalog of stupidity, item #25,534,899...

Al Hurra television, the U.S. government's $63 million-a-year effort at public diplomacy broadcasting in the Middle East, is run by executives and officials who cannot speak Arabic, according to a senior official who oversees the program.

That might explain why critics say the service has recently been caught broadcasting terrorist messages, including an hour-long tirade on the importance of anti-Jewish violence, among other questionable pieces.

It would be too easy to go with the administration of idiots overseen by a cretin speil... but is there any other possible argument? (Link to this)

IS THE BIBLE OBSCENE?
May 21, 2007

Can't help wondering if the big guy himself thinks the Bible was a bad idea. Nothing has ever caused so much trouble or enabled more lunatics than the word of the supreme being in anthology form. Perhaps God would be better off burning a few bushes, yelling a lot and destroying cities in old school Yahweh style rather than assuming we're smart enough to read a book.

Take for example Eva Marie Mauldin. She's a Bible reader and has been defending her husband in accordance with the contents of the holy hotel drawer filler and looking for a loophole. She says Satan compelled her 19-year-old husband to microwave their daughter on May 10 because the devil disapproved of Joshua's efforts to become a preacher. She also says her husband is not "the monster people are making him out to be." So true. You lead a perfectly normal life for 19 years, you microwave one baby and everyone's all bent out of shape about it.

It seems the good people of Hong Kong are getting wise to this dangerous tome. Some 800 of them are petitioning the authorities to reclassify the Bible as indecent due to its sexual and violent content. A spokesperson for Hong Kong's Television and Entertainment Licensing authority (TELA) said it had received 838 complaints about the Bible by noon Wednesday.

If the Bible is classified as indecent, only those over 18 could buy it and it would be required to be sealed in a wrapper with a statutory warning notice. Smart move. Perhaps we might have been spared the scourge of the late Jerry "God Shaped Asshole" Falwell and his miserable ilk if Bible usage was more tightly controlled and kept out the hands of shysters and retards. (Link to this) (Related: SICK FUCK ROUNDUP)

SPOT THE MOLESTER
May 20, 2007

Hate to jump to conclusions, judge books by their covers or mock the obese (okay, that one's a lie), but Jeez...

Ted Klaudt, the husky former Republican Representative from South Dakota, is in trouble. And like so many other bent Republicans, he's expressing remorse like it would, literally, kill him to admit it. "Maybe I did some things I shouldn't have," said Klaudt.

So what did the porcine politico do? Did he ignore a traffic citation? Did he take a modest bribe? Did he hold out on the IRS so he could spend more at Marie Callender's? Nope. This fat fuck's feeble mea culpa belies the fact that he's currently facing 265 years prison on eight counts of rape involving foster children and former legislative pages.

Klaudt's accused of performing 'ovary checks' and 'breast exams' under the guise that he was helping young women donate eggs, according to court records. The fake exams happened at his farm near the North Dakota border and at a hotel suite where he offered beer as an aid to relaxation before digging around in their hoo-has with his chubby little digits.

Without wishing to diminish the grossness of Klaudt's transgressions, the question is still begged: what kind of guileless dumbass would fall for this? Purr-lease... the stupid cannot always be protected. Maybe some folks just need some smart molested into them. (Link to this) (Related: STROM THURMOND'S REPUBLICAN SEX OFFENDER SHOWCASE):

SUPPORTING THE TROOPS
May 18, 2007

Bush Misadministration Blocks Army Pay Raise

Quite apart from the cognitive dissonance involved in yelling 'Support Our Troops' at every opportunity while casually sending more of them to die on a fool's errand, Bush is also opposing a proposal by Congress to raise military pay by 3.5 percent. Miserable, miserable bastard.

$30,000 a year to risk death on a daily basis in a sweltering, fly-blown shit hole where everyone wants to kill you. And I'm not talking about driving a cab in Tijuana. Ask a Bush voter (if you can still find anyone who'll admit to it) how they reconcile this offensive reality with the upstanding patriot they voted for. (Link to this)

¡EL DEMO V. REPUBLICO! IS THE WRESTLING FAKE?
May 17, 2007

Ai Caramba... Is the homoerotic, fake-fight world of Mexican wrestling a political metaphor for our times? How far can I stretch this gratuitous excuse to use a stupid photo before it breaks?

Although America seems more polarized than ever as the treehuggers v. wingnuts civil war rages unabated, it's ironic that the parties supposed to represent these opposing poles are now busily merging into a single flabby ball of wrong with constituent parts indistinguishable from the other. It's like the ringside supporters are still fighting, but El Demo and Republico have long since stopped wrestling and given in to their secret desire to just blow each other instead.

Ding, ding, round one... Take the Democrats' pre-midterm promise to clean up the House and bring the Abramoff greasers to justice. What happened to that? It got watered down like the last half-spoon of Kool Aid before food stamp day. It's been born as a blurred non-measure that leaves crooks on both sides free to pursue bent lucre with styles uncramped. Good work with that fake body slam, El Demo!

Ding, ding, round two... According to Politico.com, "Democrats are wielding a heavy hand on the House Rules Committee, committing many of the procedural sins for which they condemned Republicans during their 12 years in power. So far this year, Democrats have frequently prevented Republicans from offering amendments, limited debate in the committee and, just last week, maneuvered around chamber rules to protect a $23 million project for Rep. John P. Murtha (D-Pa.)." Good fake-fighting, El Demo, it almost looks like it hurts!

It's dispiriting to see who's lining up for the 2008 fight and wonder which fence-sitting non-entity will get the nod from the voters. Who can say the least and commit less? Could Giuliani and Clinton swap places and no-one even notice? And why does 7 years of rule by America's most extremist administration make us yearn for the warm comfort of no ideas instead of seeking change?

So sad that those with political balls and opinions true to the tenets of their respective parties (whether John Edwards or Ron Paul) will be stuck ringside again as a result of our relentless appetite for vacuity and our lack of stomach for real fighting. We can't always get what we want, but we sure as hell get what we deserve. (Link to this)

WHAT'S NEW IN CHILD ABUSE
May 16, 2007

How are Americans fucking up their kids today?

Baby Packs Heat In what would pass for the cute and fuzzy news story at NRA.com, a 10-month-old in Illinois has been issued his own gun permit. The card lists the baby's height (2 feet, 3 inches), weight (20 pounds) and has a scribble where the signature should be.

Illinois State Police oversee the application process. Their purpose, said Lt. Scott Compton, is to keep guns out of the hands of convicted felons, those under an order of protection and those convicted of domestic violence. "Does a 10-month-old need a FOID card? No, but there are no restrictions under the act regarding age of applicants," he said.

At CNN.com, they have a helpful video link titled "Watch Bubba use his gun permit as a teething ring" in case you missed the whole 'he's a baby' angle.

Texas-Style Baked Baby Seems so long since there's been one of those bunnies/kittens/babies in a microwave stories. This time it's a baby. Says KHOU.com (in Rod Serling narration mood) "It was behind door 518 at a Galveston motel room where the unimaginable happened: A father put his two-month-old daughter in the microwave and turned it on."

Investigators say the child was in the microwave for ten to 20 seconds and that the father had come to Galveston from Arkansas in search of a job as a minister. Probably not the shrewdest move to microwave your daughter in retrospect. Didn't anyone tell this overachieving bastard that ministers more usually just have sex with their kids?

Texas-Style Bar Mitzvah Katherine Nadal is accused of severing her baby son's genitals and blaming her daschund for biting them off... OK, I'm done. (Link to this)

FALWELL IN PREMATURE RAPTURE
May 15, 2007

"Today, America lost a true spiritual leader and a man of great faith in Jerry Falwell."
- Sam Brownback

Jerry Falwell once told CNN he was sure he'd never die because he'd be raptured. Well guess what? He didn't. Instead the psychopathic Moral Majority piece of shit was found "unresponsive" in his office after (my guess) self-poisoning on his own bile.

So what will Falwell be remembered for? Conducting a witch hunt against homosexual teletubbies, blaming 9-11 on God hating fags and supporting apartheid. Yup, a true spiritual leader. So sad that he died... and didn't take Pat fucking Robertson with him. (Link to this)

CNN BARREL SCRAPE GOES ANTISEMITIC
May 12, 2007

Glenn Beck says he'd never vote for a Jew... but he's too dumb to notice.

Glenn Beck is a giant amongst assholes and is fast replacing Sean Hannity as TV's most irritating blowhard (>12 on the Beaufort scale). Like an effeminate Rush Limbaugh or an Aryan Hannity, he is so fluent in self-parodying conservative minstrelism you begin to wonder if he was planted by al Qaeda as part of a ploy to undermine American self-esteem. And, being an LDS convert, he don't like them Jews much neither... he's just been publicly busted admitting he'd never vote for one.

On the May 10 edition of his nationally syndicated radio show, Beck said that he "wouldn’t vote for Joe Lieberman as president... because of the way the Middle East would use it," but also asserted, "That’s not saying the same thing as I wouldn’t vote for a Jew for president." Or, in reality, the exact same thing. And aren't there a million valid reasons not to vote for Lieberman? Why go for the Jew angle?

Beck has also been telling The Salt Lake Tribune that he's on a mission from God and "sees global news as evidence that the end of the world is spiraling toward us and God is prompting him to speak out." Jeez... paranoid religious delusions are sooo 'de rigueur' these days, darling.

Unfortunately for God, He seems to have backed a turkey in his first foray into TV programming. According to Media Post Publications, "The Glenn Beck show on Headline News is routinely among the lowest-rated programs in prime-time cable news, pulling in fewer than 100,000 viewers in the 25-54 demo... The Glenn Beck experiment seems to have failed. These ratings show that the right-wing commentary is not clicking with viewers." (Link to this) (Related: OFFICIAL GLENN BECK INSULT POLL | CNN SCRAPES BEYOND THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: I HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH A CARCASS
May 12, 2007

Ronald Kuch had most spectacularly unpicky 'I'd hit it' moment ever...

When asked on Wednesday to tell in his own words what happened, Ronald Kuch replied, "I had sexual relations with a carcass." Kuch said the black Labrador had been dead for three days, having been hit by a car.

Interestingly, this seems to represent a spin ceiling for the suspect's attorney who declined to comment on the case. You'd need a lawyer of Johnny Cochran's caliber to make fucking a decomposing dog carcass sound reasonable. (Link to this) (Related: OH... MY... GOD... | BAD DAY FOR DEAD DOG DUDE)

12-SECONDS OF SWEET
May 11, 2007

CNN Flashes "Bush Resigns" Banner on Air

Swallow your cheers... just another CNN fuck-up

After having his domestic pitch terminally queered by his codependent devotion to Durr Fuehrer, how it would have stung for Blair to see that banner on screen as CNN announced his decision to quit. Talk about Freudian slips... or is that wishful thinking? Or just sarcasm? (Link to this)

THE WAR PREZNUT
May 10, 2007

If all you had to risk were chafed balls, you might love war too...

While surveying the carnage at Fort Donelson during the Civil War, Ulysses S. Grant told an aide, "this work is part of the devil that is left in us." Grant condemned war as "the most destructive and unsavory activity of mankind." And he actually won.

Another former general, Dwight D. Eisenhower, also hated war. "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, as only one who has seen its brutality, its futility and stupidity... War settles nothing."

Unlike Eisenhower and Grant, Bush is far removed from zones of sober reflection. In 2004 he proclaimed himself "a war president" with all the clueless boneheadedness of an armchair thug who sees no downside to mass slaughter and no grotesquery in wasting the lives of those who serve on a doomed ego trip.

And now, despite the majority of Americans wanting out of Iraq, he's more than happy to assure his Saudi constituents that the US will not withdraw while he's still president. The inference? Screw what America wants, we gotta keep our friends happy.

Bush's solid commitment to the house of Saud "gives us 18 months to plan," they tell the Washington Post. It's a shame the same can't be said for the thousands of reservists and vets at home who are deterred from pursuing their careers, buying homes, raising families, etc., lest their plans should clash with the febrile whims of their commander-in-chief. But as long as the Saudis are happy all's well at Bushco™.

But if the war preznut's drum beating makes you wince, don't forget he's playing to history not to you. His rhetoric may resemble perverse garbage spewing from the mouth of a sociopathic man-child right now, but with the gravitas imbued by the passing of years, he might just come off sounding like the great statesman to future historians... or at least that's his hope. But bear in mind the words of Grant and Eisenhower on the subject of war and contrast them with Bush's apish pronouncements: it's a safe bet to wager he'll look even of a gigantor prick instead as the decades roll by. (Link to this)

REPUBLICANS FOR OBAMA
May 7, 2007

Republicans Snubbing GOP Losers-in-waiting For Obama

Former supporters of George W. Bush are defecting to Barack Obama as the White House candidate with the best chance of uniting a divided nation.

Tom Bernstein went to Yale University with Bush and co-owned the Texas Rangers baseball team with him. In 2004 he donated the maximum $2,000 to the president’s reelection campaign and gave $50,000 to the Republican National Committee. This year he is switching his support to Obama. He is one of many former Bush admirers who find the Democrat newcomer appealing.

Matthew Dowd, Bush’s chief campaign strategist in 2004, has yet to endorse a candidate, but he said the only one he liked was Obama. "I think we should design campaigns that appeal, not to 51% of the people, but bring the country together as a whole," Dowd said.
John Martin, a Navy reservist and founder of Republicans for Obama says "Obama has a message of hope for the country."

Oh my... Ever get the feeling you just stepped into a parrallel universe? (Link to this).

JEEZUZLAND WITH A SMALL 'J'
May 7, 2007

Americans Get Bad Marks On Christianity

So what happened to this pious Christian nation the wingnuts are so keen to tell us we're living in? Although you still can't throw a rock without hitting a Christian these days, it seems they've been letting the Religious ed slide a little... Apparently, 60% of Americans can't name five of the Ten Commandments, and 50% of high school seniors think Sodom and Gomorrah were married. (Link to this)

WACKJOBS GO SCIENCE
May 4, 2007

New creationist journal launched (They're serious, they have an acronym).

The Institute for Creation Research, a prominent believer that the scientific method can validate a literal reading of the Bible's account of the creation of the universe, Earth and humanity, has begun soliciting papers for the International Journal for Creation Research.

"IJCR provides scientists and students hard data based on cutting-edge research that demonstrates the young earth model, the global flood, the nonevolutionary origin of the species, and other evidences that correlate to the biblical accounts," they say.

Why not leave science to those bald guys on Discovery and stick to writing green crayon letters to your local school demanding evolution is dropped from the syllabus? You ain't fooling anyone, wackjobs. Though, on second thoughts, you almost certainly are. And I guess that's the point. (Link to this)

VOTERS WANT A DEM PREZ... BUT NONE OF THE ABOVE
May 2, 2007

You asked for it... say hello to your next president.

In a Quinnipiac University Poll released last week, Giuliani leads Obama and Clinton in the three swing states of Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania. The same poll shows that McCain leads Clinton in Ohio and Pennsylvania and is tied in Florida. He splits with Obama, leading in Ohio, trailing in Pennsylvania and tied in Florida. However, polls asking voters whether they prefer a generic Republican or generic Democrat for president give the Democrats a strong advantage.

Frustrating news for Republican-haters. Looks like the next prez will be an 'at-least-they-ain't-black-or-female' default. Maybe a bald transvestite with a kink for authoritarianism or a senile, lie-o-matic Bush weasel? I guess we really are stupid enough to deserve whatever dish of steaming feces gets served up on inauguration day, 2009. (Link to this)

THE UTAH REPUBLICAN SAID...
May 2, 2007

More on Satanic Immigration from Christey The Clown

"Hey kids! It's Christey here to remind you you can easily spot a Mexican by his cloven hooves... and watch out for the Democrats - they want to make Jesus's America just like North Korea!"

Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants. Don Larsen, chairman of legislative District 65 for the Utah County Republican Party, had submitted a resolution warning that Satan's minions want to eliminate national borders and do away with sovereignty.

Illegal aliens are in control of the media, and working in tandem with Democrats, are trying to "destroy Christian America" and replace it with "a godless new world order -- and that is not extremism, that is fact," Larsen said.

Another speaker said illegal immigrants were Marxist and agreed they were under the influence of the devil. Another said illegal immigrants should not be allowed because "they are not going to become Republicans and stop flying the flag upside down. ... If they want to be Americans, they should learn to speak English and fly their flag like we do."

The GOP has always been known as the big tent party. Glad to see there's room enough for the clinically insane in there along with the more conventional fake-Christian hatemongers and greed enthusiasts. (Link to this) (Related: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, ESE)

FANCY PANTS
May 2, 2007

Lawyer Sues Dry Cleaners for $67 Million Lost Pants

The message is clear: never do business with a lawyer. Always chase them from your place of business like the noxious vermin they are and have no truck with the chiseling weasels. Unless you want to end up like Jin and Soo Chung of Custom Dry Cleaners in Washington DC who are being sued for $67 million by an opportunist prick of that profession for losing his favorite pair of pants.

The ABC News Law & Justice Unit has calculated that for $67 million Pearson could buy 84,115 new pairs of pants at the $800 value he placed on the missing trousers in court documents. If you stacked those pants up, they would be taller than eight Mount Everests. (Link to this)

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK: GLOBAL TERROR UP 25% LAST YEAR
May 2, 2007

War in Error Fails Miserably and Expensively

The State Department has blamed Iraq's civil war for fueling a sharp rise in terrorist activity in 2006. The total number of terrorist attacks was up more than 25 percent from the previous year, according to the State Department's annual report on global terrorism.

At the same time, the Iraq war is currently running at 10 times the cost Bushco™ promised and no one can predict how high the tab will go. Before the war, administration officials confidently predicted that the conflict would cost about $50 billion. White House economic adviser Lawrence Lindsey lost his job after he offered a $200 billion estimate - a prediction that drew scorn from his administration colleagues. Now combined spending requests would push the total for Iraq to $564 billion, according to the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service. But to give the situation some perspective, that's only enough to buy 1,814 pairs of lawyer pants. (Link to this)

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