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VICTORY
IN PENNSYLVANIA (OR SUCKING UP TO THE AMERICAN TALIBAN?)
April
24, 2008
They're
bitter... they cling to guns and religion.
If
you're a heavily armed religious nutjob and you live in
a cave in Afghanistan, you're bad. But if you're a heavily
armed religious nutjob living in a ranch-style tract home
in America's 'heartland', you're the 'salt of the Earth.'
Why?
Call me an Obama-nable snob if you like, but why are we always
expected to kiss up to our gun-toting religious crazy American
Taliban (a.k.a the heartland) when, just for the want of
a beard or two, they're every bit a drag on civilization
as the real thing? Why is it that the aspirations and opinions
of the vast majority of Americans without outhouses and megachurches
are somehow not as important as the gripes of the 'heartland'?
And why did Obama get such a hard time for suggesting, oh
so politely, that they may have their priorities a little
skewed?
Sure, the American Taliban didn't do 9-11 (though their political
wing did do 4-19)
but it is largely thanks to them that we've had to endure
8 f***ing
years of George Bush. It's thanks to these paranoiacs and
their circus ringleader that we may well have made planet
Earth uninhabitable for future generations, put WWIII into
gear, racked up the most massive debts in human history and
got hopelessly stuck in a half-assed colonial occupation
in Iraq. The American Taliban are not terrorists per se,
but it is thanks to their colossal insecurity and grim determination
to remain pig-shit ignorant that so much more damage has
been wrought on America than the actual 'terrists' could
ever dream of doing. So what exactly did Obama say that was
so bad again..?
Personally, I'm sick of the media and the politicos heaping
fulsome praise on the lumpen proles wreaking havoc on our
democracy with their perversely self-defeating voting habits.
The American Taliban vote out of spite and an almost psychotic
sense of chippiness. They never vote 'for' anybody, they
always vote against somebody else (e.g., Barack Obama). This
is why McCain is not just being pointed and laughed at but
is actually taken seriously as a viable candidate.
I'm
sick of everyone referring to these societal deadweights
as 'America's heartland' as if a lifelong aversion to education
and common sense was somehow a patriotic mission. Screw
them. And screw those unashamed cretin groupies like Clinton
and McA-hole who so eagerly seek their support. But you
must win over the heartland they tell us - as if being
nice to them was some kind of fail-safe stepping stone
to power. But really, it's not that the 'tards represent
a majority that needs to be won. It's just that they're
so much easier to impress with mediocrity and a bit of
on-message misanthropy. Especially for clapped-out Senators
from Arizona or hectoring egomaniacs from New York who
might otherwise look like idea-less hacks
with nothing to offer.
Rick
Perlstein at The Nation says:
"Conservatism
is, among many other things, a culture. The most important
glue binding it together is a shared sense of cultural
grievance--the conviction, uniting conservatives high and
low, theocratic and plutocratic, neocon and paleocon, that
someone, somewhere is looking down their noses at them
with a condescending sneer."
Yup,
American Taliban, don't ever doubt
that someone, somewhere might be looking down their nose
at you with a condescending sneer. They are. And these
people are called the rest of the world. From legless
beggars
in the
streets of Calcutta to wind-burned yak herders on the foothills
of Everest... from boomerang-tossing aborigines in the
outback of Australia to naked, porn-loving Swedes frolicking
in
the forest, they all think you're stupid.
6.5 billion latté sipping elitist bastards...
I hope you will all join me in praying for a particualrly
active tornado season this year to blow through the trailerparks
and annihilate our Bush-voting, Limbaugh-listening
American Taliban before they get chance to elect McA-hole.
That would be at least one happy side effect of global warming.
(Link
to this)
GAY
JESUS IN DIAPERS AND THE ANTI-OBAMA CONSPIRACY OF STUPID
April
21, 2008
There
is a conspiracy afoot that you certainly don't
need a tin foil hat to believe in: the conspiracy of
stupid aimed at destroying Barack Obama.
So
many of us have tapped into the 'yes we can' mood and are
demanding a government that operates beyond
an
eighth-grade
level. And this scares the bejeezuz out of the same-old,
same-old pols and their media camp followers who have such
a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. Consequently,
there is a vast conspiracy afoot that you certainly
don't need
a
tin foil hat
to believe
in:
the
conspiracy of stupid determined to destroy Barack Obama.
Whether it's Ma and Pa Clinton handing out platitudes like
candy to the grubby hoi polloi, the GOP foisting
McA-hole upon us or the mainstream media who just love the
cut and
thrust of cartoon politics, they all like things just the
way they are. Because of this, they have the knives out for
Obama - and the aspirations of a massive swathe of the people
who care about all that real stuff that barely gets a
nanosecond of news coverage. Obama must be destroyed because
he doesn't conform and he challenges the media/pol comfort
zone.
As part of the vast conspiracy of stupid, those RedState.com
pinheads have just sent out a
new email alert headed "Obama
Adviser Denigrates Jesus. Don't let him get away with it." They
go on:
"A
friend and adviser to Barack Obama, Larry Lessig, is going
to testify before Congress on Tuesday to advocate for "net
neutrality," a position strongly supported by Google,
Inc. Google, recently allowed Larry Lessig to talk to Google
employees. During his talk, Lessig showed a video of Jesus,
depicted as gay and wearing a diaper singing the song "I
Will Survivor" [sic] until Christ is run over by a
bus."
Oh
my, to think I was frittering away brain cells worrying
over my family having no health insurance... I was stressing
over how to pay the over-inflated mortgage on my negative
equity property. Thank you Red State for putting
me straight
on
what really matters.
It's easy to figure that a politician stirring up the latent
ability of Americans to think about stuff would scare the
crap out of the dead-weights at the top of our political
and media
pyramids.
You can almost here them yelling "Quick... we did Reverend
Wright and 'Bittergate' - bring on gay Jesus in diapers being
run over by a bus!" (Link to this)
ALL
BITCHES FOR CLINTON
April
17, 2008
What's
ABC's game? certainly ain't journalism.
"As
you'd imagine, the debate is the talk of the town here
today, and not all of it is positive." - David Wright,
abcnews.go.com
Fried
Wire is currently experimenting with a profanity-free prose
style
in order
to avoid being
blocked
by so many Web filters on the grounds of tastelessness.
So it's definitely not a good idea to mention that pathetic
excuse for a 'debate' that the A**holes Bitches and C**ts
network screened last night. Not
all of it is positive? Try none, you mealy mouthed sycophant.
ABC's Democratic debate was more like an E! channel celebrity
smack job for the first half with all the political perspicuity
of Elmo's World and amounted to nothing more than dead air.
Who decided to zing Obama with
as
much inconsequential
and irrelevant crap from decades before and completely avoid
any issue that might be of importance
to
the viewing
public? And why wasn't it until, as Obama pointed out, 45
stultifying minutes into this sad exhibition of hackery that
subjects
like gas prices or healthcare reforms were even mentioned?
Critics ripped ABC journalists Charlie Gibson and George
Stephanopoulos, a former Bill Clinton staffer, for wasting
time on questions like why Obama wasn't wearing an American
flag pin (when no-one else was). Charlie and George
also sought to draw more mileage for Clinton by revisiting
the tired and tested Reverend Wright 'controversy' (though,
intriguingly, didn't think to explore why Clinton still
belongs to
a crackpot
religious cult the founder of which was inspired by Adolf
Hitler).
It has to be said, televised political debates rarely finish
with the
audience booing the mediators... but such was the
new sub-standard set last night. The A**holes Bitches and
C**ts network? Maybe I was wrong. How about the All Bitches
for Clinton network?
But if there
was any good to emerge, it is
the affirmation that, given the amount of anger around today, people really are
done with the 'old politics' (i.e., smear-crazy, Rovian charlatanism
that Clinton still clings to). The
MSM
nabobs think the 'old politics' don't work with Obama
because he is 'teflon'.
But if there was a brain amongst them, they
might realize that the 'old politics'
don't work simply because we are sick to death of the BS.
Paging Hillary and ABC... (Link to this)
WHAT
CAME FIRST, THE BRAIN-DAMAGED CHICKEN OR THE CRACKED EGG?
April
16, 2008
"You
go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and
like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have
been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced
them. And they fell through the Clinton administration,
and the Bush administration, and each successive administration
has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate
and they have not. And it’s not surprising then
they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy
to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant
sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain
their frustrations." - Barack
Obama, 2008
Whoever
Reads Bourgeois Newspapers Becomes Blind and Deaf: Away
with These Stultifying Bandages! Photomontage
by Heartfield,
1932. To think, John Heartfield only had Hitler to contend
with... we've got Lou Dobbs.
Are
we being held back in some kind of cognitive arrested development
by our infantile news media? Or does the media just feel
obliged to churn out senseless garbage because we're a
nation of dumb a-holes and it's the only language we understand?
In short, did they make us stupid or did we make them stupid?
The recent pundit shell game over Obama's 'bitter' comments
is yet another depressing example of how our news media have
become the most powerful force for misinformation known to
man. Obama's comments were thoroughly decontextualized by
the media nobs to remove whatever salient point he was trying
to make (see excerpt above) and make him appear to conform
to their chai-sipping snob archetype. The media now tires
of Obama's populist firebrand image, so now we're now supposed
to see him as that stuck-up guy who hates the gun-toting,
church-going working classes. Why? Because Lou Dobbs says
so.
So what if all the media spin and the Clinton campaign's
official take on his remarks make absolutely no sense? So
what if the last thing Obama would want to do is alienate
the largest demographic in the country when he needs their
votes? The media's manufactured reality is not supposed to
make sense. It's just supposed to make us go "oh no
he didn't" and warm to McCain (at least until such time
that they decide to move on and tear him to pieces instead).
It's not so much the media's determination to misinform us
at every turn and twist decent words against those who speak
them that should offend us. It's the end result of these
low-brow, Orwellian shenanigans that should piss us off:
Nobody in the public eye being able to communicate because
their words must pass through the media gibberish filter
before we can hear them.
This isn't much of a problem for Clinton as her vacuous pablums
tend to come meticulously pre-gibberished for MSM consumption
and without any inconvenient substance to remove like avacado
pits. It's definitely no problem for McCain as he has nothing
to
say
to begin with and spin, even of the negative variety, only
works to make him look interesting. But it's one hell
of a
problem
for
Obama with his strategy of trying to get elected
on his own merits rather than by capitalizing on the perceived
deficiencies of his opponents.
So why aren't we angry? Why aren't we demanding that the
media pinheads just shut the hell up and let us decide who
we want to run our country? My grandmother used to say "if
you haven't got anything nice to say, just shut up." (And,
yes, I thank God she never got to read Fried Wire.) But we
should demand even more of Lou Dobbs, Sean Hannity and all
the other smack-talking clowns of the MSM: If you don't have
anything to say that isn't deliberately divisive, dishonest,
destructive or otherwise profoundly inconducive to the common
good, just shut up.
We got saddled with 8 years of Bush because the media was
so preoccupied with hurling feces at Gore and Kerry. Are
we now getting ready to lose the best chance for a damn good
president in decades because the media wants to tear him
down too? God help us. (Link to this)
ONLY
IN FLORIDA
April
11, 2008
If
there's anything really stupid happening in America,
odds are it'll be going down in Florida - God's best argument
against natural selection.
"Well,
yup, I have a tight schedule and I never know when the
mood will strike. I like the convenience of being
able to go on homicidal shooting sprees during office hours
too."
Great
news for Floridian HR departments... A new bill is headed
to Gov. Charlie Crist to sign into law that will allow
Florida residents to pack heat at the office. The so-called "take-your-guns-to-work" measure
is backed by the NRA (single-issue lunatics) and some of
the more assertive labor unions (about that 50 cents-an-hour
raise... ker-click...).
"Dozens of workplace shootings occur every year in the
United States and studies have shown that job sites where
guns are
permitted are more likely to suffer workplace homicides than
those where guns are prohibited." What kind of rocket
scientist could have figured that out huh?
I wouldn't suggest that Republican pols love making stupid,
dangerous and otherwise completely pointless laws while steadfastly
refusing to get involved with anything that would actually
improve society... oh wait... yes I would. (Link
to this)
AMERICA'S
MOST MISERABLE COUPLE WIN MEGA MILLIONS JACKPOT
April
12, 2008
Living
proof that money can't buy you happiness?
Robert
and Tonya Harris were interviewed
on the "Today Show" after
just winning $270 million on the lottery. For some reason,
they sounded more like they'd just totaled their 1975
Ford Ranger. Miserable f***ers.
And our government seriously thinks a $600 check in the
mail will cheer people up? (Link
to this)
RANDOM
GARBAGE
April
11, 2008
A
quick scraping from the bottom of the news barrel...
Yoo
Horrible Bastard...
"Thirty pages into a memorandum discussing the legal
boundaries of military interrogations in 2003, senior Justice
Department
lawyer John C. Yoo tackled a question not often asked by
American policymakers: Could
the president, if he desired, have a prisoner's eyes poked
out? Or, for that matter, could
he have "scalding water, corrosive acid or caustic substance" thrown
on a prisoner? How about slitting an ear, nose or lip, or
disabling a tongue or limb? What about biting?"
Yoo's answer? All bets are off in times of war and "federal
laws prohibiting assault, maiming and other crimes" are
trumped by presidential authority. Yoo is now a law professor
at the University of California at Berkeley. Kinda like having
Fred Phelps teaching the Lesbian, Bisexual, & Gay Studies
Program.
Huckabee in Hollywood...
Former Republican presidential hopeful Mike
Huckabee has signed a contract with one of the largest talent
agencies
in Hollywood, Creative Artists Agencies. CAA represents more
than 2,000 clients, including George Clooney, Brad Pitt,
Christina Aguilera, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore and
Tony Bennett. "Nothing has been decided," his daughter
and adviser Sarah Huckabee told CNN about his future projects.
The mind boggles.
Bowflex
Jesus Marked for Death...
Two Pennsauken High School students have been arrested after
a teacher found what was believed to be a hit
list that targeted actor Chuck Norris. [Insert humorous
aside here] (Link to this)
HANNITY,
COLMES AND COULTER: OBAMA = HITLER
April
11, 2008
Ah,
remember this
rare moment of candor accidentally broadcast
by Fox in 2006? See below for more recent Hannity-sucking
activity...
What
happens when you get three opinionated pricks with only
one functioning brain cell between them in a TV studio
together? If you're Fox News, you run the cameras and pump
out some more 'fair and balanced' political commentary.
During the April 3 edition of Hannity & Colmes, shemale
dog-scarer Ann Coulter referred to Barack Obama's book "Dreams
from My Father" as a "dime
store Mein Kampf." Sean
Hannity then picked up on the riff and mused whether Obama
is a "is a two-bit Hitler." Hmm. Interesting take
on Obama's politics of opportunity and inclusion.
Colmes
then continued: "We should be as wary of Obama as
they should have been of Hitler in Nazi Germany?" But
no-one was sure whether he was being ironic as they never
listen to Colmes anyway...
So here's my questions: How is an embarrassingly inadequate
hack with cry-baby fascist tendencies like Hannity still
getting away with it after 12 frigging years on
Fox? Does Roger Ailes really think he's insightful or provocative
or
entertaining or, in short, anything other than a hack? How
come Coulter still can't get the right drugs to stabilize
her brain or finish off her sex change? And Colmes? What
the hell is up with that Jim Henson Creature Shop liberal?
Why does he... Oh, sorry, Colmes too boring... can't
concentrate on rant...
So let me finish with this thought: Why do they always put
stickers on the top rung of a ladder telling you not to stand
or sit on it? Ladder manufacturers, why not save some money
and just skip the last rung altogether? You're welcome. (Link
to this)
MORE
INCONSEQUENTIAL FLIM-FLAMMERY TO CLOG YOUR INTERNET TUBES
April
10, 2008
Think
this site sucks as bad as I think it does? Go write your
own, smart ass...
So
let's get this straight. America is undergoing the worst
recession since the Great Depression. We are
stuck in a dead-end war in Iraq costing
more than a 12 billion a month. Unemployment is at a 3-year
high.
More
than 47 million Americans are without health insurance.
Life expectancy, infant mortality and education are all
headed toward Third World levels... and the architect of
our nation's unraveling
backs John "More of the same" McA-hole who's
currently
favored for president by 44% of Americans. What
the hell is wrong with us??? Just thought I'd mention it
in case anyone still remembers the concept of common sense...
And, while on the subject of ol' Shaky Fists of Fury McA-hole,
I was confused to see the result below when I Googled the
phrase (hey, don't judge) "casual
sex republican":
God
knows, I wouldn't dream of suggesting McA-hole's DILF
is a 'casual sex' enthusiast (I neither know her or would
want to get beaten to death by her famously ill-tempered
dad) but it seems Google is. What's up with that Google?
And, just by the by, if there's casual sex, would getting
blown by a skank while wearing a tuxedo constitute formal
sex? (Link to this)
McA-HOLE
April
9, 2008
He's
angrier than a nest of caffeinated hornets... he's madder
than Dick Cheney with a punctured hemorrhoid pillow...
he'd make a rabid wolverine fighting a Tasmanian Devil
in
a sack look like the Dalai Lama and Mother Theresa doing
yoga...
Man,
you just can't stop this insane clown throwing
hands and epithets:
"Armed
Services Committee hearing when chairman Strom Thurmond
asked, "Is the senator about through?" McCain
glared at Thurmond, thanked him for his "courtesy" (translation:
buzz off), and continued on. McCain later confronted Thurmond
on the Senate floor. A scuffle ensued, and the two didn't
part friends."
A
scuffle? Strom Thurmond was 93 at the time. How classé...
Could
McA-hole's otherwise inexplicable nomination
be proof of my theory that those GOP pranksters are just
fucking with us? Are they just testing how low they can go
with their candidates before we all go "you're kidding,
right?" If
this buffoon is their idea of a credible candidate, it's
about time
they cut to the chase and nominate
a mound
of cow
manure squeezed into a monkey suit with a Speak-n-Spell jammed
inside for a voice box.
Republican presidents have long been known for their linguistic
quirks (Reagan and Baby Bush spring obviously to mind), but
McBush? If elected (paging Dr Kevorkian...),
he
could carve a whole new genre of bad. A few highlights
from the wit and wisdom of John McA-hole:
How
I'm looking forward to the (literal) swearing in of President
McA-hole and the 2009 State of The F**king Union Address.
(Link to this)
IT'S
FLORIDA 200 ALL OVER AGAIN
April
8, 2008
Can't
restrain my anger any longer... must... hate Clinton...
"So
are we now really prepared to sit back and watch this impressive
young man be dragged through the mud by a mean-spirited,
vindictive, relic of the past, based solely on her sense
of entitlement? If we do, we don’t deserve the presidency–in
fact, it will signal the time for a third party." -
Eric
L. Wattree, Black Star News
Right on board with the above sentiment. Screw what the voters
want (which isn't her), screw what's best for the party or
the
country (which isn't her), the bitch just refuses to quit.
We might comfort ourselves with wistful aphorisms about how
good always wins out in the end, but we're not living in
Disney World. We live in the real world where good is worn
down and beaten into a bloody pulp by bad. We live in the
real world where ball-crushing viciousness trumps everything
and
a lack
of
'class' is no impediment to power. We live in the real world
where people possessed with any modicum of reason and integrity
will eventually bow out of the fight rather than enter into
some kind of scorched earth apocalypse that would only hurt
the country you profess to love.
Remember Al Gore's apparent 'rolling over' for Bush in 2000?
That's what happens when 'class' gets in a fight with lack
of class. Now the Clintons have turned the Democratic primary
into their
own Brooks Brothers riot. If they can drag out the farce
much longer, it seems logical to assume that Obama, like
Gore, will step down in the face of overwhelming nastiness
lest he start to appear as self-serving and as reckless his
opponent. Clinton will be Obama's George Bush. Clinton will
represent the irresistible force of reckless desperation
exploiting what she perceives as Obama's fatal weakness:
his sense of responsibility. Sucks. (Link
to this)
DEJA
VOUS?
April
8, 2008
Even
after his much publicized brain fart in Iraq, seems McBush
still can't differentiate between his Sunnis, Shiites
and Chers:
"Questioning
General Petraeus and Ambassador Crocker in an on-going
Senate Armed Forces Committee hearing, John McCain just
tried to reaffirm al Qaeda's importance by asking if it
was "a
minor Shiite group... or minor Sunni group, or anybody
else." He was clearly trying to draw out
a "no," but that's not the point. The point is
that McCain still doesn't seem to understand al Qaeda is
a Sunni group." (Link to this)
McBUSH
TICKLING MY FANCY
April
7,
2008
The
embargo on Hillary v. Obama bullshit is still in force.
So let's give a rare hats off to that shell-less turtle from
Arizona...
As
a McBush hater, I find his habit of doing things that make
me almost like him very infuriating. Just last month, he
publicly disowned a pinhead talk radio "personality" speaking
at one of his rallies who had whipped the crowd into a
McCain-loving frenzy by running his mouth about Obama's
fantasy Muslim ties. No-one would really have given a rat's
ass and no uproar would have ensued but McBush took a stand
and must have lost not an inconsiderable amount of mouth
breather support by acting honorably.
And who couldn't warm to him after reading about his
'c**t' tirade documented in Cliff Schecter's new book "The
Real McCain"? For anyone still unfamiliar with the episode:
"Three
reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity,
also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness.
In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign
trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide
Doug Cole
and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully
twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting
a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened,
and he responded, "At
least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop,
you c**t."
Damn
you, McBush, stop making me (almost) like you. (Link
to this)
GREETINGS
FROM CALIFORNIA... THE INSIGNIFICANT RETURN OF FRIED WIRE!
April
6,
2008
First
off, let me apologize to my army of avid readers for
taking time off without warning. And
let me apologize to the even larger legion of avid haters
who may have been entertaining hopes that I'd shut up
and shut down.
So
what have I missed that's mind-swirling, apoplexy-inducing,
painfully ironic or just plain stupid during my two-week
rage sabbatical?
I'll avoid commenting on the presidential race as, even for
me, it's become way too stupid. So let's pause instead for
a 21-gun salute to honor the
passing of Moses impersonator and wingnut gun nut Charlton
Heston. After announcing in
2002 that he had symptoms consistent with Alzheimer's disease,
Heston blazed a trail for 'conservative values' such as the
inalienable right of America's insane to buy bazookas. Not
sure whether Alzheimer's and conservatism are inextricably
linked, but Heston would seem to provide a compelling case
study to support that thesis.
In other wingnut-oriented news, California congressman Darrell
Issa has earned vituperation from his GOP colleagues for
referring
to 9-11 as "simply" a
plane crash. "It seems
that with the passage of time, something happened along the
way where the scope of the problem and the real extent of
the problem has not drifted out to California," said
Staten Island GOP Rep. Vito Fossella. Thanks Vito, but let
me be one of many left-coasters to break the news: we're
not all as retarded as the hack chimps (e.g., Schwarzenegger,
Issa and the cartoonishly depraved John
Doolittle) that we are are wont to elect round these
parts. Don't hate us for it - it's just our sense of humor.
Speaking of obnoxious residents of the Golden State, Fried
Wire was also intrigued by the news that a legendary performer
from the 60s has released a comeback album. Jagger? McCartney?
Dean Martin..? Nope. Charley
Manson.
Although live gigs outside the
highly exclusive 94964 ZIP code might be few and far
between, would anyone be so small as to begrudge success
to that grizzled George Bush soundalike on the release
of his
forty-years-in-the-making solo album? After all,
it's undoubtedly the best one ever recorded on a smuggled
tape recorder in a Vacaville Prison cell by a guy
who can neither sing nor play guitar.
"Seacrest out" for now... (Link
to this)
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