JOHN F. KENNEDY OR JOHN F. KERRY?

June 30, 2008

Say it ain't so... Obama displays worrying symptoms of John Kerry cave-in syndrome.

Where did John Kerry go wrong in 2004? Consensus says he caved to the right wing bullshit machine on two counts: First, he tried to take the intellectual high road and ignored the wingnut-generated lies that sapped his electability. Second, he made sure to suck up to the very same bastards that sought to discredit him by apologizing on cue whenever they asked him to. Both tendencies only served to make him look like a pussy and, in the eyes of the heartland, confirmed the veracity of every dumb rumor they'd ever heard about him.

Now Obama seems to be sketching the same self-defeating strategy. While the dumb gay-muslim-terrorist-Black Panther rumors swirl about him, he still refuses to address them. Sure, they're retarded accusations and no presidential candidate should have to stand up and say "No, I am not a terrorist". But, in the dumbass mindset of the heartland, no denial = true and it's electoral suicide to leave the rumor mill uncountered. Just ask John Kerry.

Obama has also allowed the wingnuts to frame the debate by apologizing for Wesley Clark's common sense observation that getting shot down in an F-16 should have no bearing on McA-hole's ability to be president. Even though organizations like Vote Vets are standing by Clark, Obama himself has caved like a pussy and is allowing the wingnuts to decide what's OK and what's not OK to say.

"As he's said many times before, Senator Obama honors and respects Senator McCain's service, and, of course, he rejects yesterday's statement by General Clark." Said the Obama campaign. So instead of clarifying Clark's comments for the benefit of those too dumb to understand them, you decide to bend over and let the wingnuts make 2008 all about childish notions of patriotism just like 2004? Way to cave, Kerry 2.0. (Link to this)

STATING THE OBVIOUS

June 29, 2008

"I don’t think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president."
(Wesley Clark on John McCain)

It never hurts to state the obvious. Especially in a world where the obvious tends to be so studiously sublimated when we get to talking 'bout politics. (Link to this)

WORLD'S LEAST WANTED SEX TAPES

June 29, 2008

1. Gene Simmons demonstrates classic ugly older dude sexing style: pants round ankles, t-shirt on (preferably with underarm sweat patches), dignity out the nearest window...

2. Verne "Mini Me" Troyer is in the process of suing TMZ for copyright infringement and invasion of privacy after a tape surfaced of him banging his ex. To me, sexual activity involving dwarfs is a bit like algebra: glad somebody gets it, but it hurts my brain.

3. Britney Spears fans have issued a fatwah on her ex for planning to release a sex tape. I can sympathize. I'm not a Britney fan, I just think someone who'd unleash such horror on an unexpecting world deserves what they have coming. Whether it features pudgy trailerpark Britney or more recent Colonel Kurtz-era Britney, no-one needs to see that sh**. (Link to this)

EVEN BILL GATES SAYS WINDOWS SUCKS ASS

June 27, 2008

There's something strangely comforting to learn that even Bill Gates hates using Windows - the tech equivalent of being raped by a clumsy lover.

Today, with the worldwide proliferation of the PC, you can hear Windows users cursing aloud in all the languages of mankind from tin huts in the outback of Australia to mud-brick houses in the Kalahari. And now, apparently, from 50,000 square-foot earth-sheltered mansions in Washington state. Here are some highlights from that leaked Bill Gates email that emerged during one of Microsoft's antitrust lawsuits:

Regarding Microsoft.com:
"This site is so slow it is unusable."
"So they told me that using the download page to download something was not something they anticipated."

On rebooting:
"Then it told me to reboot my machine. Why should I do that? I reboot every night -- why should I reboot at that time?"

On installing applications:
"Amazing how slow this thing is."

On interface design:
"This time I get dialogs saying things like "Open" or "Save". No guidance in the instructions which to do. I have no clue which to do."

Post-install:
"Someone decided to trash the one part of Windows that was usable?"

On MovieMaker:
"What an absolute mess."

Bill's Final Word:
"The lack of attention to usability represented by these experiences blows my mind."

(Link to this)

C**TSERVATIVES LOSING THEIR WAR ON REASON

June 27, 2008

Question: Are the lunatic fringes of the anti-American right still dangerous? Or are they just more impotent and desperate than Hugh Hefner during a Viagra recall?

Answer: Seems clear these days that the lunatic fringe (from Fox thru Dobson) are just desperate, impotent and more ridiculous than ever.

Throughout the Bush era, Christian fascist lunatics claiming to represent the Heartland have gained credibility by infesting the establishment with evangelical university grads and dumb ideas. But now their power seems finally to be ebbing as the failed 'conservative' revolution sputters into it's death throes.

Throughout all shades of the red-blue spectrum, the forces of reason are circling their wagons around Obama and all the lunatics can do is yip and holler like ersatz indians in a bad western. They are desperate. They know their crappy candidate of convenience has no chance. They know most people are sick of their childish hatemongering. They know 'change' is coming.

So now the lunatics face a dilemma. In lieu of convincing reasons NOT to like Obama, they can't decide which of the heartland's nightmares to present him as in order to scare common sense out of the decision-making process. Is it Obama the quasi al Qaeda Muslim Manchurian candidate? Is it Obama the sneering latté-sipping elitist? Is it Obama the whitey-hater seeking to stomp 'Merika's apple pie and turn us into a watermelon-munching Negrotacracy?

Not only is each stereotype hilariously f***ing stupid, each one is also mutually exclusive. What possible super villain could possibly be all three of these things at once? Even if you are stupid enough to be swayed by one smear, aren't you going to figure that they must be lying about the other two and start seeing through the scam? After all, even the most racist hick on main street knows you can't be Osama bin Laden, Gore Vidal and George Jefferson all at the same time.

Over at Republicans For Obama, they're as mad as we all should be about James "Off His Meds" Dobson's nasty little attempt to undermine Obama by saying he "doesn't give a flip" about the preservation of the family. Evidence? Who needs evidence when you're James Dobson and you can just reel off offensive, non-informed crap at random without anyone ever asking you what the f*** you're talking about. That's what you call 'faith.'

Republicans For Obama are also pushing the Obamacan meme. Now high profile faces from the rethug past are jumping to Obama, the media needs a name for them. And what better than "Obamacan"? Two of the biggest "Obamacans" are Colin Powell and Chuck Hagel. Nice to know (even if Powell still owes us one hell of an apology for 'ooga-booga-ing' the world with those vials of fake anthrax).

And, just in case you're wondering, Republicans For Obama gets nearly five times more hit action than Democrats For McCain. Just one more indicator that November will see McA-hole's Quixotic quest for the presidency buried by a landslide?

Sadder still, Democrats For McCain's lead story said "I'm blogging from a mobile device so I’ll keep this short for now." A literal definition of phoning it in no less. (Link to this)

FLIP FLOPPING LIKE A M*****F***ER

June 22, 2008

Don't forget: John McCain is not George Bush. But maybe he'll change his mind on that too.

Like Mickey Rourke in Angel Heart, McA-hole seems to have descended into dark world of madness as a result of selling his political soul to the Bush-Cheney-Rove junta back in 2000. Whatever weird deal he struck must have been a doozy.

In 2005, at a time when half the country was still 'very positive' about Bush, McA-hole's votes were lockstep with El Presidente only 77% of the time. Now, when only 11% are 'very positive' on Bush, his voting record is at 95% agreement. So... if this isn't lunacy, it must be the result of something dark and Faustian. After all, how the f*** does he expect to get his shriveled ass elected by making himself nothing more than a continuation of America's least popular presidential dynasty?

And what about all that 'flip-flopping'? Remember how 'flip flopping' scuppered Kerry in 2004? Here's a brief rundown on McA-hole's closet full of them that makes John Kerry look solid as a rock. And whereas kerry apparently changed his mind on his own volition on one or two issues, McA-hole's flip flops could more accurately be described as "things he believed in passionately until George Bush asked him not to". For example:

• Offshore drilling moratorium: yes to no.
• Windfall-tax on oil company profits: yes to no (in three weeks).
• Bush's warrantless-wiretap program: no to yes.
• Privatization of Social Security: yes to no (though actually yes)
• Abortion rights in cases of rape and incest: yes to no.
• Estate tax: yes to no.
• Indefinite detention of terrorist suspects: no to yes.
• "Litmus test" for Supreme Court nominees: yes to no.
• Retroactive immunity for telecoms participating in warrantless wiretap program: no to yes.
• Normalization of relations with Cuba: yes to no.
• Talking to Hamas: yes to no.
• Talking to Syria: yes to no.
• NRA involvement in Republican party policy making: no to yes.
• Lobbying-reform (his own legislation): yes to no.
• Lieberman/Warner global warming legislation: yes to no.
• New taxes: no to maybe.
• A balanced federal budget by the end of his first term: yes to no.
• Torture: no to yes.
• Legal status for children of illegal immigrants (a bill he co-sponsored): yes to no.
• McCain immigration legislation: yes to no.
• Financial transparency for grassroots lobbying coalitions: yes to no.
• Roe v. Wade: yes to no.
• Gay marriage: yes to no.
• Bush tax cuts for the very wealthy: no to yes.
• Campaign-finance reform measure (his own legislation): yes to no.
• MLK day holiday: yes to no to yes.
• Ethanol: no to yes.

Now McA-hole's thinking is purged of all non-Bush opinions, he's whining ever more loudly (and ever more ironically) about not being Bush III. "You will hear every policy of the President described as the Bush-McCain policy. Why does Senator Obama believe it's so important to repeat that idea over and over again?" Maybe, geriatric face-cancer douchebag, because it's patently f**ing true.

I don't throw around the word 'fraud' lightly (well, OK, I do...), but McA-hole is nothing more than a Bush-programmed droid still pathetically trying to pass himself off as that contrary, liberal-leaning Repub straight-talker of yesteryear. And if that ain't fraud, what the hell is? And why would anyone want to waste a vote on this spineless repository of other people's opinions who doesn't even have the guts to stand by anything he's ever said? If this flip flopping bullshitter is a 'straight talker', then Jesus really does look the guy who played piano in Abba.

Nonsequituriously yours, Fried Wire. (Link to this)

REALITY CHECK

June 12, 2008

Just in case you're laboring under the cozy delusion that we're living in a civilized society, here's a reality check. (All pictures found via Google - picture search: 'Obama')

I won't list the knuckle-dragging 'right-wing' blogs who posted these hilarious parodies, suffice it to say, the Clintons, McA-hole and Fox News would probably call them their target demographic. Sad, sad, sad. (Link to this)

FOX NEWS: THE NEW COMEDY CENTRAL?

June 12, 2008

Just curious, how f***ing ridiculous does the content of a network news channel have to get before it is officially reclassified as a comedy channel by the FCC? If you thought 'terrorist fist bump' was hilarious, how 'bout this new crap straight from Roger Ailes' gaping, racist rectum:

During a segment of Michelle Obama-related smack talk yesterday, Fox displayed the on-screen sub-head "OUTRAGED LIBERALS: STOP PICKING ON OBAMA'S BABY MAMA!"

If your grasp of urban lingo isn't so rusty, you'll know "Baby Mama" is a popular term for a black single mom and that 'playas' and 'pimps' like to collect them like ghetto boy scouts collecting virility patches. Of course, there's absolutely nothing weird about Fox likening Barack Obama - a millionaire Yale Law School grad - to a ghetto 'pimp'. If you're a cracker-ass dipshit. Or the kind of superannuated McA-hole voter who stills drops the 'N word' during casual conversation. (Link to this)

MOEWAMPUM.COM: 1928 CALLED. IT WANTS IT'S RACISM BACK.

June 12, 2008

Some money-grubbing, racist-enabling dolts at Moewampum.com are selling this:

The description reads "'OBAMA IN '08' CURIOUS FUNNY T-SHIRT Inspired by some little kid who thought Obama looked liked Curious George, this high quality, durable, 100% heavyweight white cotton, silk screen printed tee features the 'OBAMA IN '08' CURIOUS FUNNY T-SHIRT graphic."

I wonder how many "patriotic" Americans who accused Jeremiah Wright of being unpatriotic because America is not racist have got a laugh out this KKK-lite garbage? (And if you don't get that irony, you might just be wearing one right now.) (Link to this)

WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS

June 12, 2008

Fellow blog scribes: ever wonder if you were more inspired by the decline of the American news media and the democratization of the Web or by Peter Griffin's news spot on Family Guy? Just a thought...

This week came official confirmation that the Bush administration lied to get their war on in Iraq. Not startling news for anyone who already assumed this, but the lack of McNews network coverage is startling in its predictability. Isn't it supposed to be big news when an elected head of state gets a country embroiled in a disastrous 5-year war through lying to the public? Apparently not. And that should really grind our gears.

One more example of the Bush administration's 'we're not even trying any more' attitude:

"A senior Justice Department official says a $500,000 federal grant to the World Golf Foundation is an appropriate use of money designed to deal with juvenile crime in America. "We need something really attractive to engage the gangs and the street kids, golf is the hook," said J. Robert Flores, the administrator of the Justice Department's Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention.

Golf is the hook? F***ing morons.

It's also gear-grindingly irritating to hear how an abstinence-only teen program just got more than twice what it asked for from Bushco (in excess of a million dollars) because it's headed by wife of Bush/McCain-friendly talking head Bill Bennett. (Yup, that's 'abort black babies' Bill Bennett who's probably looking at the prospect of an Obama presidency and saying "see, I told you so.")

Must be comforting news for all those destitute middle-class Americans now working multiple jobs just to keep their negative equity roofs over their heads. Our government is still happy to throw taxpayer money to anyone who asks for it! Just like those tax-and-spend liberal parodies they're so keen to warn us about, they can piss away your money with the best of them. Only catch is that Cuntservative cash causes have to be extra f***ing stupid, managed by good buddies of the government and thoroughly vetted to make sure they are of absolutely no value to anyone but the people who dreamed them up.

Since the Republicans got the majority in the 90s, the abstinence-only rackets alone have sucked in more than $1.3 billion of our money while public schools starve for funds. Everyone's been at least dimly aware of the facts for years, but these dumb programs still get money:

"Although teenagers who take "virginity pledges" begin engaging in vaginal intercourse later than teens who have not committed to remain abstinent until marriage, they also are more likely to engage in oral or anal sex than nonpledging virgin teens and less likely to use condoms once they become sexually active."

So let's get this straight... all those Family Research Council types have spent in excess of a billion dollars encouraging kids to do anal and oral? Some might think creating a new, better generation of porn stars is a wise way to spend tax dollars, but I'm sure most parents would prefer it to go toward more conventional subjects like... I don't know... being able to read.

And teaching golf to our neighborhood Bloods and cholos? I guess, if they're selling crack, they can certainly afford the country club dues but how would all those lawyers and doctors take to the influx of new blood? "Yo, homes, what say we do nine holes? In yo' ass m***erfucker?" (Link to this)

TOM DELAY STILL SUCKING LIKE A TEN DOLLAR HOOKER

June 6, 2008

In a less-than-subtle variation of "when did you stop beating your wife?", jail-dodging money launderer Tom DeLay accused Obama of being a Marxist saying "I have said publicly, and I will again, that unless he proves me wrong, he is a Marxist."

By the same logic, I say publicly that Tom DeLay is a fully-paid up member of NAMBLA and that he hands out candy with razor blades inside during Halloween. This is 100%, God's honest true unless he can prove me wrong.

Nice that a guy steals money from childrens' charities (just one of DeLay's classy career highlights) then, somehow, ends up on a nationally syndicated radio show pontificating about another guy who could probably scrape more honesty and integrity off the bottom of his shoe than is contained within DeLay's entire nasty little being. And we listen to him. Ain't 'Merica grand? (Link to this)

BUSH LESS POPULAR THAN BUTT CANCER. EVEN IN UTAH.

June 5, 2008

Durr Feuhrer went on the election shake down with some GOP'ers in Park City, Utah, recently and had his motorcade greeted by ranks of waving residents. "These hand gestures apparently weren't friendly hand waves" and the City was forced to stump up $30,000 in overtime to police the visit.

"Frankly I don't care whether he lives or dies," said City commissioner, Sally Elliott. "But don’t let him die in Summit County."

Of course, pap-spewing wingnuts like Michelle Malkin went ballistic over Elliot's comment. It's not that Bush hasn't been an unprecedented disaster for America. Malkin's mind, so perfectly wired for life under an authoritarian dictatorship, is only blown by the idea that anyone would have the temerity to not like the president. Couldn't someone buy this crazy bitch a one-way ticket to Pyonyang? (Link to this)

A CALL TO ACTION: PINK NECKS RISE UP!

June 5, 2008

We cannot leave this election to be decided by morons. We can't let the heartland be the leaden foot on the brake of progress again...

...we can't let this guy be president just because he's not a black "Muslim communist".

If you're reading this somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon line and your IQ is within double digits, I'm talking to y'all. I've heard tell there are some of you down there who are not possum-munching rednecks worshipping the holy trinity of Jeezuz, Dale Earnhardt and Robert E. Lee. They say not all of you punctuate sentences with weird snot grunts like Brad Pitt in Kalifornia and that there are some folks who are frightened too by the idea of a McCain presidency. So smarter southerners (let's call you Pink Necks) why don't we ever get to hear your opinions? It is your time to share...

To much of America, the south is an intellectual vacuum peopled by folks with a proudly uncomplicated attitude to incest who talk like stroke victims. Many of us suspect you have quasi-sexual relationships with firearms and that most of you are just two planks and a can of gasoline away from being Klansmen. Unfair? True. But we do know many of you distrust Barack Obama because he's a black "Muslim communist". And that's worse.

So please, Pink Necks, why not take some time to explain to your brethren of redder neck that Obama is neither a Muslim nor a communist and that a born tan has no bearing whatsoever on a person's ability to do anything, let alone lead a country. It's not 1861 any more. Neither is it 1964. Spread the word.

Some McNews networks, Clinton/McCain pundits and megachurch pastors are very keen to let the Muslim-Commie-Obama myth live on because it's the easiest way they can think of to f*** up his ascendency. But, Pink Neck, you know as well as any of us that another Republican misadministration would be a giant calamity for this country, the world and everyone in it. (And that includes West Virginia which has still not been able to break free of the Earth's gravitational pull and become it's own planet as yet.)

So rise up, break the chains of stupid and help stymie McA-hole 2008. That old fart is getting way too popular down your way (double digit lead on Obama in Florida? WTF???) and we sense disaster brewing like a bad batch of 'shine in the woods. Sure, we understand his homely allure: He's just like Grandpa Walton going head-to-head with a slick, big-city lawyer, he's all warm and cozy just like your granpappy... only he never molested you or shot your puppy with a rifle when he was drunk. But the guy's 100% fake and his presidency would be a plague on all our houses.

Some of you might say "OK, faggy left-coast big mouth, I don't like McCain either. But what can I do?" Simple. Spread the truth. The south fell for lies in 2000 and it's up to you to rein in your dumbasses and make sure they don't fall for another barrel of BS this year. Perhaps you could print up some posters saying "Obama Ain't No Muslim" or put on a slideshow at your local community center showing how black folks are no longer restricted to careers in the cotton, shoe-shining or tap dancing industries. Hell, even Starsky and Hutch had a black boss. And that was 30 years ago. From Captain Dobey to president Obama in 30 years should not be considered that huge a stretch even by a racist southern cracker.

There are so many ways you could make a difference. Pink Necks rise up! (Link to this)

THREE FREE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY...

June 4, 2008

Let's Get Ready to Mumble...
McA-hole couldn't talk his way out of a Trappist monastery. As yesterday's New Orleans speech confirmed, his oratorical skills are sub-toilet. So much is a given even amongst people who actually like the old c***. But what's with that creepy-ass smile? It looks like the kind of dark, sweaty grimace a pedophile principle might make while rummaging through a fifth grader's underpants.

Sorry John Edwards, Better The Pant-Suited Devil You Know
And yes, fellow Hillary-haters, super-definitely Obama needs to bite the bullet, swallow that bit of puke in the back of his throat, say "God forgive me" and hand Clinton the veep gig. Like LBJ said, "It's probably better to have [her] inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in."

The last thing our bewildered and abused punchbag of a country now needs is for her and her fanatics to embark on some kind of guerrilla war against Obama and spawn president McA-hole by hideous default. Isn't everyone clued in to her nasty strategy yet? She wants Obama to lose cuz she's damn sure he'd be an odds on two-termer. This would mean she'd be McCain's age by the time she got to run again in 2016 - a depressing prospect for an egomaniac with such a vast, impatient sense of entitlement. Instead, she wants McA-hole in the Whitehouse because she'd be able to landslide it when the ancient zombie came up for reelection.

And a Third Thing...
If the Mayans were right and the world does end in 2012, wouldn't it look in retrospect like America just said "fuck it, let's throw the black folks a bone. World's ending anyway..." (Link to this)

IT'S A BLOG. IT'S GOT WORDS.

June 3, 2008

Clinton out. I'll drink to that...

• The laying to rest for at least 4-8 years of the old "wouldn't it be great to have a woman president?" liberal meme.
• The end of that nasty blue/red two-way split that has divided America since the advent of the baby Bush regime. (We have a nasty three-way split.)
• The complete destruction of the last shreds of Democratic party credibility
• The addition of the 'let's hang in and hope my opponent gets assassinated' strategy into the presidential candidate playbook.
• The end of the 'Bill Clinton good guy' myth and the horrible realization that maybe Bill deserved every bit of hell he caught for his 90s shenanigans and that those of us who spent the last 7 years sticking up for him were just deluded bozos of the kind more usually found on the Bush-lovin' side of the cattle fence.
• The "legitimizing" of pre-civil rights era white supremacy thanks to the Clintons' unashamed pandering to and empowerment of working class racists.
• The twattish spectacle of one millionaire Yale Law School grad from Illinois jumping up on truck beds throughout the South to denounce another millionaire Harvard Law School grad from Illinois for elitism.
• New knowledge for us 'gabachos': even notoriously macho Mexican 'rojo' necks would rather vote for a 'puta' than a 'rene'.
• The confirmation of the sexist generalization every man knows: A woman will never admit to being wrong and being wrong is no reason to concede an argument.
• Confirmation that Hillary Clinton wants to be Margaret Thatcher.
• The realization that women have an unfair advantage in politics. How so? You can come on like Mussolini if you want and people will forgive you as you are merely fighting to overcome adverse gender stereotypes. But you can also exploit those same gender stereotypes by crying in public like a Tiny Tears doll when things don't go your way.
• Hillary now comes up first when you Google 'Clinton' instead of Bill.
• Err... she's the only woman in the world who was a pig at 30 but now looks vaguely do-able at 60. (Link to this)

Back Pages

Fried Wire Policy and Disclaimer | Hatemail | Hmm... | Fanmail