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THE
BUSH-LEAGUE VEEP
August
31, 2008
Cue
laugh track: "Speaking on Face The Nation
Sunday, former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani said
that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is more qualified to be
president than Democratic presidential nominee Barack
Obama." [story]
Welcome
to Wasilla. Otherwise known as 61° 34' 54" N
149° 27' 09" W
The
Sarah Palin debacle just gets more hilarious. As Rethugs
contort logic and common sense into increasingly absurd
arguments to bolster McCain's Bush-league VP choice,
it'll be interesting to see just how far spin can physically
be spun.
On one side, there are the Stepford Republicans braying bravely in the
face of reason that Palin is a great candidate with "more experience
than Obama" and, on the other, the old-fart conservatives with enough
honesty and integrity to voice their disgust aloud and say "this
is bullsh**." Surely there cannot be a thinking person in America
who would not agree with this
frustrated conservative:
"I've
voted a straight Republican ticket every year of my
life since 1975, when I first came of voting age, but
I was stunned and horrified by McCain’s choice
of Palin. I simply cannot even consider voting for
McCain after this choice, which speaks loudly of his
own selfishness and fundamental frivolousness.
Obama is quite obviously an impressive man (with whom I disagree on
almost every major issue) with extraordinary qualities of organization,
discipline and leadership. I see nothing in Palin’s record to
suggest that she has any such qualities. He is a man who has spent
his adult life thinking serious thoughts about serious issues and having
serious conversations about them with other serious, well-informed
people; while Palin quite as clearly has done none of those things.
He was the president of the Harvard Law Review; she was the point guard
on her high school basketball team."
A
lot of other folks subject to the gravitational pull
of common sense are also mad as hell with McCain for
trying to palm us off with a bible belt bimbo for veep.
For f***'s sake, Palin never
even owned a passport until 2007 and has only been
out of the country twice since then (Ireland and once
to Kuwait). Having spent her life in the Alaskan wilderness
with little or no experience of the wider world, McCain's
surrogates are forced to argue that Alaska's proximity
to Russia has somehow imbued her with an
osmositic understanding of foreign affairs. Really.
Can't wait for Obama and Biden to tackle that one.
As this now
many-hit Alaskan blogger points out, every part of what McCain seeks
to present as a glowing resume for Palin is, in fact, hyper-exaggerated
bullshit.
"Before
her meteoric rise to political success as governor,
just two short years ago Sarah Palin was the mayor
of Wasilla. I had a good chuckle at MSN.com’s
claim that she had been the mayor of “Wasilla
City”. It is not a city. Just Wasilla... Above
is a picture of lovely downtown Wasilla, for those
of you unfamiliar with the area. Behind the Mug-Shot
Saloon (the first bar I visited when I moved to Alaska
long ago) is a little strip mall. There are street
signs in Wasilla with bullet holes in them. Wasilla
has a population of about 5,500 people, and 1,979 occupied
housing units. This is where your potential Vice President
was two short years ago. Can you imagine her negotiating
a nuclear non-proliferation treaty? Discussing foreign
policy? Understanding non-Alaskan issues?"
Roll
on November... even John Kerry could have won against
this Bush-league ticket. (Link
to this)
73-YEAR-OLD
NEOCON FASCIST SEEKS YOUNGER FEMALE FOR CASUAL SCREWING
(OF AMERICA)
August
30, 2008
Young(ish),
zero-experience and thinks a woman's place is definitely
in the kitchen: Is this what happens when you turn
to eHarmony.com to select a vice Presidential candidate?
The
McPresidentasaurus's new BFF went from unheard of to
despised in a matter of minutes here at Casa del Fried
yesterday. This is probably a personal best for me as
I usually prefer to be less hasty in my assessments.
("Ebola is a disease that liquefies your internal
organs, causes infectious blood to erupt from every orifice
and leads to agonizing death? Hey, let's give it the
benefit of the doubt...") But Sarah Palin? She saves
you time by making the hating process a whole lot faster.
Like many TV watchers, my short time learning about Palin meant I got
to know her a lot better than McCain did before offering her the job.
And that isn't even much of an exaggeration. The McPresidentasaurus made
his decision after
only on one f***ing meeting! Did his checklist look something like:
1] Nice jugs (check) 2] Looks good firing an M16 (check) 3] Hates Roe
v. Wade (check)..? I guess this selection is just par for the course
for an arrogant c***sucker with a Bush-like mania for making bad, ego-driven
decisions he's too insane/stupid to see fault with. As below:
"McCain,
at 72, has outlived both his father and grandfather.
He has a history of illness (cancer). He has refused
to release his full medical records, all 12,000 pages
so that the voters of this country can review them.
Palin would be "a heartbeat away from the presidency." This
is McCain's first major decision as a presidential
candidate. It doesn't show good judgment. It looks
like pandering to get the women's vote and a willingness
to sacrifice the country to win an election." (Gail
Watkins, Oregon Live)
But
let's not forget the McPresidentasaurus ain't even pandering
smart: He really seems to believe those Hillary-lovin'
semi-liberals will skip girlishly to the booths to vote
for a stupid bitch who says they should bear rapist's
children without complaint and work for less pay than
men. Why? Just because she has a c*** too. (And his name
is John McCain)
But, just to sign off on a happy note, there is one good thing about
Palin being veep. If you don't believe me, just try picturing Joe
Lieberman curled up fetally in a darkened room surrounded by tear-sodden
kleenex and ripped-in-half photos of him and McCain. Feel any better
yet? (Link to this)
RISE
OF THE WARM-BLOODED MAMMALS, EXTINCTION OF THE McPRESIDENTASAURUS
August
29, 2008
"If
America votes for John McCain after hearing this man's
vision, it truly isn't the country I think it is."
So
says someone
at Andrew Sullivan's blog after hearing Obama's speech
last night. Really couldn't say it more succinctly myself.
Whatever those terminally tepid haters and hacks of the McNews networks
might say, Obama's speech will probably be remembered as the rhetorical
equivalent of the comet that wiped out the dinosaurs. Or, in this instance,
the McPresidentasaurus himself and all the other out-evolved subspecies
that inhabit his cuntservative ecosystem.
But Obama cannot take all credit. The McPresidentasaurus is also doing
a pretty good job of killing himself off with his crap choice of running
mate. Did he select Sarah Palin as his veep because he's so consumed
with scooping up the stray Clinton voters he's actually going to redefine
his own campaign as a homage to an opposition campaign that didn't even
work? And he didn't just select any woman, he opted for one nobody has
even heard of outside of f***ing Alaska. Smooth.
The McPresidentasaurus also seems blissfully unconcerned about his complete
flipflop on that previously oh-so-vital 'experience' issue having selected
a "44-year-old first-term governor of a state with only 600,000
people with
no foreign policy experience whatsoever." What's the message
here? Maybe he's just saying "ignore everything I've been saying
for the past year. It really is all bullshit."
There are also more than 11 Alaska Republican lawmakers (including crazy
Ted himself) currently
under indictment for corruption. So is it an entirely politic move
to pluck a veep from that very same cesspool? Smooth. Again.
So... with Obama's comprehensive, informative and rousing speech still
reverberating through the country, and with the news of McCain's dumb
veep pick circulating, might this be the best day for Democrats since
Pa Clinton hit Washington? (Link to this)
THOUGHTS
FOR TODAY
August
28, 2008
Why
is Google laughing at me?
Thanks Google. Thanks for making that "John McCain For President" banner
come up on my sidebar almost every time I open this page. Do you actually
build sarcasm into your ad logarithms? Or does your code just need tweaking
slightly so that sites containing phrases such as "John McCain is
a c***" don't get listed as great venues for his campaign ads?
Why do people who can neither write nor think have blogs?
You might hate Fried Wire and accuse me of many sins, but illiteracy
is not a stone you can cast in my direction. I've always loved words
(interestingly underused ones particularly) and I've always loved thoughts
(interestingly underused ones particularly). So it came as a nasty surprise
today when I landed on Elect
Jeff, a blog that eschews both.
Elect Jeff is an interesting concept. It's a blog by a guy who can't
write who witlessly regurgitates wingnut ranting points to show that
he can't think either. Some twofer... Being a pompous dick, I couldn't
resist commenting:
"If
you have no aptitude for writing, don't blog. Blogs
are a written medium and it’s just plain cruel
to inflict your amateurish ramblings on unsuspecting
visitors. If you have nothing to say, but still say
it badly, just stop."
Perhaps
some kind of subconscious urge deep within Jeff's psyche
to admit his own crappiness motivated the lame response:
"And
you’re William Shakespeare?"
Yeh,
totally dude. I hear Shakespeare's blog was one of the
best around during the early seventeenth century. (Commenteth
| Diggeth | Tracketh Back)
Will God smite the GOP?
So when are the Jeezuz Nazis going to start yelling about God's judgment
on sinners and degenerates now He's lining up another
hurricane to coincide with the Republican convention? Case in point:
Larry Craig (R-Homo) who is "not
expected to attend the convention."
Is it wrong to wish death on an old man?
Sometimes I entertain the fantasy that the McPresidentasaurus will drop
dead during a debate when the Ridalin he's taking to help him speechify
better reacts badly with the 12,000 other medications he's taking to
keep himself alive. Is it wrong to wish death on an old man? F*** it,
think of the kids and pray for the death of the McPresidentasaurus.
Is it OK for a man to have the hots for Rachel Maddow?
I admit it. Rachel Maddow is hot. But the fact that she's an out lesbian
means that I probably won't be on the next plane to MSNBC land to bang
her on the desk during an Olbermann monologue. But I still care. So I
was horrified to read that she's landed a gig "as
a regular guest for conservative host Tucker Carlson." Will
it be called the "Shut Up Tucker, You Little Prick Show" I
wonder?
Should Sean Hannity get his ass kicked?
I'm bouncing off of an old Al Franken idea, but I just watched Hannity
defending his 'friend' Ted Nugent's opinion that Barack Obama should
be assassinated. Enough is more than enough... please
sign my new petition.
(Link to this)
JOHN
McCAIN IS AN ASSHOLE... AND SO IS JESUS?
August
27, 2008
They
say Google is the arbiter of truth in our information-age
reality. So who's really an asshole?
"Heeeeere's
Johnny!"
Too
depressed to write anything much about our great Democratic
party and its characteristically gay attempts to stop
another neocon Fascist taking over the country. Too much
vacuous McNews prattle to soothe the fretted unibrow
of the 'Merikun patriot... and not enough truth to nourish
the hopes of those whose votes aren't decided by suicidal
ignorance and hatred for everybody including themselves.
Really, there are only so many ways I can say "what the f*** is
wrong with us?" before Fried Wire starts to sound [more] brattish
and [more] one-dimensional. And those Clintontard
PUMAs already own brattish and one-dimensional...
So how about a cute 'doh' story from Kansas instead? Apparently, State
Democratic Senate candidate Jim Slattery accidentally sent out a campaign
e-mail with placeholder text that referred
to his GOP opponent as an 'asshole.' According to Slattery's apologetic
campaign manager, the email was "inappropriate and unprofessional."
Unprofessional maybe, but when the f*** did it become 'inappropriate'
to call a Republican an asshole??? Sure, we can't say 'midgets', we have
to say 'little people'; we can't say 'black', we have to say 'African
American'... but political correctness dictates that we can't even call
Republicans 'assholes' anymore? As wingnuts are often keen to say, this
is political correctness gone mad.
Then the politics/asshole interface got me wondering. In the spirit of
science, I wondered which leader really is an asshole and which is the
biggest amongst them. (For this experiment, you will need Internet access,
Google.com and more time on your hands than any grown man should reasonably
be allowed. OK?) So here's my Google asshole rundown, in descending order
of size, with Jesus thrown in as a control:
So
the results of our research demonstrate unequivocally
that only 321 out of 6.5 billion people on Earth don't
like Obama, and nearly 6 times more people actually hate
Jesus. It's also clearly evident that twice as many people
hate Clinton as hate McCain, but only 20,600 think George
Bush is an asshole. [???]
And if you doubt the scientific veracity of my research, you're probably
the kind of Luddite who'd also doubt those equally scientific Zogby polls
that show McCain leading Obama (amongst a random sample of 100 fat white
bald guys lined up outside a gun show in Topeka). (Link
to this)
McCAIN
IN THE MEMBRANE AGAIN
August
22, 2008
Short
of trudging the campaign circuit in striped pajamas
and ankle chains, there isn't really much more McFullofshit
could do to remind us that he was once a POW. Maybe "but
he was a POW..." might have worked as a stock
response for a little while, but now it smacks unmistakably
of desperation and a terminal dearth of nous.
How
about when McKissmywhiteass stumbled on the tricky topic
of how many homes his sugar-mama wife owns the other
day? His campaign was quick to respond with "This
is a guy who lived in one house for five and a half years — in
prison." What the hell is that non sequiturial
idiocy even supposed to mean??? Does it makes sense if
you're a wingnut?
At this point, McShitforbrains surging 5 points on Obama is completely
surreal and speaks volumes about us as electors and our massive potential
for being self-defeating retards. So just for want of anything vitally
interesting to bitch about, here's a sum-up of McSuckmycock's recent
flip flops and brainfarts that seem to be OK with the electorate:
I'm
so rich, I can't even recall how many houses I have and
my definition of 'rich' is earning more than 5 million
a year. But it's Obama that's out of touch with ordinary
Americans according
to McPukeinthebackofmythroat?
McDonkeytwat recounts his spiritually uplifting tale of the
cross in the sand for the benefit of the Saddleback church
congregants. Only Alexander
Solzhenitsyn originally told the story back in the 1970s so it's
unlikely it ever happened to McPOW. But, luckily for him, Solzhenitsyn
is no longer around to call plagiarism having handily died earlier
this month.
When asked a multipart question at a townhall meeting that covered
Bush's horrible record on veterans and mentioned reinstating
the draft, McKillyourkids answers "Ma'am let me say that I
don't disagree with anything you have said and thank you." McDickhead's
apologists might palely say his response was taken out of context.
But what candidate in full possession of their faculties could knowingly
afford to be so vague about such a potentially calamitous issue?
McGreasemypalm recently bent over for the oil companies by
offering them $4
billion in tax cuts. This follows earlier campaign promises that
he'd stand up to Big Oil.
It's
not even that McAngybastard would make a bad president.
With his nasty combination of bad temper, clearly compromised
mental faculties and rampant flipfloppery, he'd also
be an extremely dangerous President into the bargain.
Maybe rethugs don't care that their candidate is demonstrably not-all-there.
Maybe it makes them even more ardent in their admiration. But doesn't
it behoove all non-rethugs to abandon the thin pretence that Obama and
McOutofhisdamnedmind are equally viable candidates? If only in the interests
of maintaining some modicum of sane context to this election, we should
start pointing out as often and as loudly as possible that McAlzheimers
is faulty. Who knows, even the rethugs might start listening. (Link
to this)
McCAIN
RELEASES ANOTHER OBAMA BOOSTER AD
August
5, 2008
The
McCain campaign's latest ad is actually pretty funny.
And, for once, it was meant to be. Not sure if it was
deliberately intended to make Obama the automatic choice
for evangelicals though...
The
McCain campaign's retarded 'celebrity' ad was crass and
insulting at a third-grade level. And it worked much
better as an ad for Obama. How generous
of the McCain campaign to spend millions of dollars reminding
everyone how charismatic and popular their opponent is...
What was the damned subtext anyway? Vote for me because
I'm really unpopular and your vote will be wasted as
Obama is set to win by a landslide? Smooth move, McA-hole.
But their newest ad provides an even more compelling reason to vote for Obama:
he is the AntiChrist. Hmm... confused? Let's explore the theological
conundrum McA-hole has created for himself: if you do believe
Barack Obama is the AntiChrist, then there is no question you
absolutely must vote for him to ensure that he comes to power
and fulfills Biblical prophecy. After all, how could you vote for the
guy who isn't the AntiChrist and risk screwing up the
final showdown between good and evil where God establishes the kingdom
of Heaven on Earth? No self-respecting fundy would dream of voting for
McCain if it meant taking a rain check on the Apocalypse. So again, smooth
move, McA-hole.
So is there anything else the McCain campaign could do to more forcefully
persuade their supporters to switch to Obama? I'd suggest not. They're
already playing the AntiChrist card with three more months still to go.
It would seem that their load is well and truly shot and Obama's gonna
have to start paying for his own ads. (Link
to this)
REMEMBER
WHEN IT WAS MOSTLY THEIR SEATS THAT SUCKED?
August
5, 2008
Riding
the bus these days is more like signing on as an extra
in a Robert Rodriguez movie. Stabbings, decapitations,
self-mutilation galore... all for as low as $18 if
you book online!
"The
guy opened the door and his face was completely, completely
covered in blood. It was kind of like a horror movie.
The only thing that stood out was the whites of his eyes," said
a horrified Greyhound passenger as she recounted how a
crazy guy scalped himself with a razor in a Greyhound
bus bathroom.
This story came to light in the aftermath of the stabbing
and decapitation incident aboard another Canadian Greyhound earlier
this week. As The Ottawa Citizen says "It's no wonder Karina Hébert
rents a car now whenever she travels to Montreal." No wonder indeed.
(Link to this)
WHEN
HATE CRIMES ARE HILARIOUS
August
5, 2008
Fred
Phelps house burned in 'hate' crime.
Fred
Phelps, everybody's favorite... ahem... single issue
activist, has asked Attorney general Mike Mukasey to
treat a recent fire at this home as a "hate crime." Phelps
sent the Attorney General's office a letter Sunday claiming "[t]here
is evidence that hatred of our religion was the motivation,
in part at least."
Let's just concentrate on holding back our tears of sympathy while we
try and think of something to say about that... Maybe the comment below
from one of the prick's neighbors in Topeka might suffice:
(Link
to this)
BRAINSTORMING
WITH THE GREAT SATAN
August
5, 2008
Trickier
than a nine-colored, octagonal Rubik's cube... a moral
compass permanently stuck on true evil... living proof
that hell exists because if it didn't, they'd sure
have to build one just for him...
Interesting
to read about Great Satan Cheney's suggested plan to
get a war on with Iran: dress up a few Navy Seals as
Iranians, have them screw with the US Navy and call
it provocation by Iran. Oh, and get US servicemen
shot dead as part of the fiendish plan.
Yup. The VP of the United States proposed tricking members of the United
States armed forces into killing other members of the United States armed
forces in order to embroil the United States in yet another potentially
catastrophic war. Happily, Seymour Hersh's source reports that the assembled
brainstormers quickly rejected Cheney's helpful suggestion and moved
on.
It may be my mistake, but hasn't Cheney, as the alpha male of the Bushco™ clique,
caused America a f*** of a lot more damage in terms of death, wasted
treasure and lost prestige than Osama frigging bin Laden could ever dream
of? Isn't Cheney, with his horrible combo of arrogance and stupidity,
the single worst piece of luck to ever hit this country? Why the f***
can't we be living in more proactive times when this sort of treachery
would earn you a hanging rather than just some non-binding bitching by
congress?
Oops... I forgot that while the illegality of Cheney's illegality is
still up for debate, it is considered rude to talk about this kind of
stuff. My mistake. (Link to this)
RIGHT-WING
TRASH TALK INSPIRED MASSACRE (WHAT, NO RUSH?!)
August
3, 2008
"Inside
the house, officers found "Liberalism is a Mental
Health Disorder" by radio talk show host Michael
Savage, "Let Freedom Ring" by talk show host
Sean Hannity, and "The O'Reilly Factor," by
television talk show host Bill O'Reilly."
Inside
whose house? Only Jim
David Adkisson, the guy who took a shotgun to church
to vigorously express his opinions about 'liberalism'
during a kid's musical at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian
Church.
I wonder what Savage, Hannity and O'Reilly - those three nabobs of wingnut
dementia - have to say about that? A search on hannity.com comes up with "Sorry,
no matches were found for the Sean Hannity Keyword "Jim David Adkisson"...
please try again." At billoreilly.com "Your
search - Jim David Adkisson - did not match any documents. No pages were
found containing "Jim David Adkisson ".
I couldn't even find a search box on Michael Savage's ugly-ass site.
His homepage seems more concerned with denouncing Nancy Pelosi as a "fascist
dictator" and taking shots at CAIR than mentioning Adkisson.
So it seems like having a mass-murderer as a fan ain't something these
great men of conservative letters are too keen to talk about. Although
usually far from shy on any subject, they're in no hurry to expound on
how their misanthropic opinions might have inspired a guy to go massacre
a few folks at the local lefty church.
Of course, I wouldn't be so crass as to imply Adkisson was a perfectly
reasonable guy who became a homicidal maniac only after reading a few
crappy books by Savage, Hannity and O'Reilly. That would be like falling
for the dumb conservative talking point that porn transforms otherwise
reasonable individuals into rabid sex predators. But to some degree,
they are accessories to this horrible event and their pussyish refusal
to acknowledge their own possible culpability is revolting.
If Adkisson had gone on a shooting spree at a wingnut megachurch and
cops had found books by Michael Moore and Al Franken - maybe even a well-thumbed
copy of "The Audacity Of Hope" on his night stand - it's difficult
to imagine Bill O'Reilly not falling over himself to yell about it. It's
also difficult to imagine how the election would not now be lost for
Obama. But a killing spree fueled by three of conservatism's biggest
mouths does not reflect badly on the conservative presidential candidate
they support? Man, the media sure know how to cut some folks
a break. (Link to this)
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