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'COON' JOCK BACK ON THE AIR
April 28, 2006

Talk-radio host David Lenihan was fired by KTRS-AM St. Louis after he twice referred to Condoleezza Rice as a "coon" on the air last month. Lenihan has now been hired by KRMS-AM in Osage Beach, Missouri. "Everybody can make a mistake and say something he shouldn't have... It was obviously a slip of the tongue." Said his new boss. (story)

Fried Wire is deeply troubled that Lenihan felt it appropriate to use defamatory racial epithets when talking about the Secretary of State. Why be racist when 'ugly fascist bitch' would have done just fine? (Link to this)

THE WHORE ON DRUGS
April 30, 2006

Limbaugh busy dodging the Vietnam draft as KQV Pittsburgh's very own Jeff Christie. ("You think you've got problems, kid? This boil on my ass is a bitch...")

"Drug use, some might say, is destroying this country. And we have laws against selling drugs, pushing drugs, using drugs, importing drugs. And the laws are good because we know what happens to people in societies and neighborhoods which become consumed by them."
Rush Limbaugh

It would seem that Rush Limbaugh's porcine ass is very much immune from the laws he supports for the rest of us. The three-year investigation into the fat cocksucker's habit of writing phony prescriptions to feed his sad little drug habit is now over. The penalty? Err... none apparently. (story) (Link to this)

AMERICAN DREAM DEBUNKED?
April 28, 2006

A survey for the New York Times last year found that 80 percent of those polled believed that it was possible to start out poor, work hard and become rich. Now a study by economist Tom Hertz from American University has concluded that the chances of getting rich in America are a lot lower than elsewhere - unless of course you start out rich to begin with.

Those Americans born rich had a 22 percent chance of being rich as an adult according to the study. But the chance that a child born into a poor family will make it into the top five percent income bracket is just one in a hundred. (story) (Link to this)

BADLY DRAWN BOY
April 26, 2006 (NEWBERG, Oregon)

Cops in Newberg, Oregon are hunting for this rapist. And a less crappy sketch artist I'd hope. What the fuck is that meant to be anyway? A young Alan Colmes? (Link to this)

SNOW JOB
April 26, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

When Scott McClellan finally prevaricated himself out and left the White House, there was speculation that Bushco™ would probably look to Fox News for his replacement. F(oxymoron) News, after all, has been functioning as Bush's public relations department for 6 years - where better to look for a loyal mouthpiece? But that was supposed to be a joke.

Now comes news that the new press secretary will be none other than Tony Snow, Fox News commentator and speech-writer for Bush's dad. Although Snow declined to say whether he had been offered the job, Republicans close to the White House said the press secretary's job had been offered to him and that he had accepted. (story) (Link to this)

'TIL THE PIPS SQUEAK
April 25, 2006

Left: Ex-Exxon CEO Lee Raymond - the unnacceptable face of the free market? Let's just leave it at 'unnacceptable face.'

With Bushco's incompetent, gutless and self-serving presidency looking all set to finally piss away the Republican majority in November, leading cuntservative pols are squealing like pigs. And some of them are even sounding suspiciously like Democratic pigs.

Those great class warriors and champions of the people, Bill Frist and House Speaker Denny Hastert, wrote to Bush yesterday demanding the Federal Trade Commission and Justice Department investigate "price fixing" and "gouging" after oil hit the $75 a barrel mark last week. Hastert also referred to retired Exxon CEO Lee Raymond's pay as "unconscionable" and Arlen Specter joined in the outrage by demanding stricter "antitrust" laws for oil companies and a new "windfall profits" tax. (story)

Jeez, there's nothing like self-interest and imminent loss of control to inspire a little outrage. It's almost as if, having thrown in their trust with the plutocracy, these reluctant class warriors are now feeling screwed over and powerless. Hey, Republicans, what's it like feeling like an ordinary American? (Link to this)

IMPEACHMENT IMMINENT?
April 24, 2006

"Bush and Cheney must be impeached and removed from office before they undertake even deadlier misdeeds, such as the use of nuclear weapons. There are no bounds to their willingness to ignore the Constitution and world opinion—we can't afford to wait for the next disaster and hope that we can survive it."
California Assemblyman Paul Koretz

State-level resolutions to impeach Bush for high crimes and/or misdemeanors are currently working their way through the Illinois and California General Assemblies. Democratic state committees in Vermont, Wisconsin, New Mexico, Nevada and North Carolina are also pursuing similar actions. According to the polls, a third of Americans support impeaching Bush - a higher number than supported impeaching Nixon.

If the Democrats can just keep it together, Bushco™ looks all set for the shit-canning it so sorely deserves when/if the Dems get a working majority after the mid-terms. Please, Democrats, don't blow it (again). (Link to this)

LET LOOSE THE DOG OF WAR
April 24, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

While everyone seems to be calling for Donald 'Crazy Legs' Rumsfeld's resignation, the real problem drags on unchallenged. All the time the focus is on Rumsfeld, it's off the war and the broader issue of Bushco's insane attempts to kick the world's ass. As the great Ron Paul says "We should be debating the proper foreign policy for our country-- utopian nation building vs. the noninterventionism counseled by our founding fathers-- rather than which individual is best suited to carry it out."

And, although we'd all love to see Rumsfeld out of work, Bush has already stated he would never dump the Defense Secretary while there's a war on. (And, of course he doesn't mean the Iraq war - he means the up-coming mid-term 'war' when the Republican majority will be fighting to maintain its cancerous majority.) Here's a neat summary of Rumsfeld's role in winning the mid-term war and helping Bush avoid minority POTUS Clinton's fate:

"Rumsfeld needs to be available for a possible "October Surprise"; for if things continue looking dim for GOP legislators before the next mid-term election, a proven loyalist needs to be in charge at the Pentagon to bomb the hell out of Iran, and rally the nation around the flag. And who better for that task than this articulate master of deceit?" (story) (Link to this)

THE DELEGATOR
April 24, 2006

Guy on left has absolutely no idea who guy on right is while the woman in the middle is anyone's guess.

"I'm very much of a decentralization person. I've always tried to develop the organization around the talent of the individuals. Let them spread their wings and see what they can do. I'm more of a delegator." Said Ken Lay (Kenny Boy to the Commander-in-Chimp) in court. Will 'delegator' now enter the lingua franca as a euphemism for crooked, greedy bastard?

The 'delegator' also seems to be delegating as much prison time as possible after describing co-defendant Jeff Skilling's enthusiasm for getting "into the details and the guts of how things work." I'm sure Skilling just loved to hear that under the circumstances - especially after having told the court previously that he knew of no accounting tricks to hide debt or inflate profits. Skilling is charged with 28 counts of fraud, conspiracy, insider trading and lying to auditors, while Lay faces six counts of fraud and conspiracy. (story) (Link to this)

QUOTE OF THE YEAR
April 23, 2006

"I can't believe I'm getting so much support after all the stupid things I've said."
Ray Nagin on the mayoral campaign trail in Chocolate City. (Link to this)

GONZO'S WAR ON INTERNET SPANKING
April 22, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales wants a mandatory rating system that will "prevent people from inadvertently stumbling across pornographic images on the Internet" with five-year jail terms for anyone hosting unflagged porn. The proposed law is called the Child Pornography and Obscenity Prevention Amendments of 2006 and will cover anything from depictions of sexual intercourse and masturbation to, weirdly, "close-ups of fully clothed genital regions." (story)

Ironically, although intended to help Web users avoid smut, the new law could also make life easier for cyber-masturbators by making porn sites easier to find. So could Gonzales be trying to help his Homeland Security umpa-lumpas track down their under-age porn quicker, thus allowing them more time to oppress American citizens between frantic bouts of internet masturbation? (Link to this)

THE MASTER OF DIPLOMACY
April 21, 2006

"Hey, Hop Sing, whaddya think yer doin' walking up here when I'm stood waitin' fer the preznunt of Whereverstan..?"


The Commander-in-Chimp displays his subnormal grasp of good manners, interpersonal skills and diplomacy by grabbing President Hu Jintao's arm at yesterday's reception for the Chinese head of state.

Not only was the unfortunate dictator yelled at by an irate Falun Gong-ist at the event, he was also forced to endure the boorish attentions of our idiot man-child prez (who probably scratched his ass during the luncheon afterwards and told his best 'Chinaman' jokes). (Link to this)

BUSH WISHES HE HAD BIN LADEN'S APPROVAL RATINGS...
April 21, 2006

According to the polls, bin Laden gets a 65% approval rating at home in Pakistan while today, in the latest in a seemingly endless series of dead-in-the-water ratings, our Commander-in-Chimp is languishing at an abysmal 33%.

Those figures seem to say a lot. Like who's winning this thing if their murdering psychopath is twice as popular as our murdering psychopath? (Link to this)

A NEW BENCHMARK FOR STUPID
April 21, 2006 (MIAMI, Florida)

If this guy came knocking on your door offering free breast exams would you take him up on the offer?

At least two women in a Florida neighborhood did according to the cops. The 76-year old door-to-door pervert, Philip Winikoff, was arrested after one woman became suspicious after undergoing a surprisingly casual genital exam. (story) This is why they have to put "remove before driving" labels on windshield sun screens. How stupid are we? At least this much apparently. (Link to this)

NEOCON BITCHFEST
April 21, 2006

Rumsfeld v. Rice: The abscess of evil

Neocon Yoda-like and scariest woman alive, U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, came to the defense of Donald Rumsfeld yesterday calling him "a really good secretary of defense." Unfortunately for the senile warmonger, her plaudit then switched gears to faint praise when she added "I would be the first to say that I'm sure not every decision has been a good decision." Rumsfeld responded by saying he didn't know what she was talking about and suggested the comment reflected a lack of understanding. (story)

Oh no you didn't Donald... Even at the age of 375, it seems you're yet to learn one of life's golden rules: Never pick a fight with a black woman. I guess this is just one more of those "thousands of tactical errors" Rice was talking about last month. (Link to this)

BIG FUCKING WHOOP-TI-DOO
April 20, 2006

Hunter S Thompson once said something to the effect of "George HW Bush is the after-birth of the Reagan revolution." Jeez, what does that make W? Bush Jr. should, at least, serve as a great lesson to the rich and powerful: Never put your idiot son in charge of the family business.

But, non-Republicans, don't worry. The Democratic party has just launched a door hanger campaign:

"The first of the Fifty State Canvass door hangers are arriving in locations across the country this week. Here at the DNC, we got our shipment yesterday evening. In total, seven hundred and fifty thousand (750,000) pieces are ready to roll, delivering the Democratic message to the doorsteps of America from Alaska to Florida, Maine to the Virgin Islands, and California to Michigan." (story)

Big fucking whoop-ti-doo... I'm sure the next Karl Rove (cloned from one of the Fairy Godfather's very own spleen cells) must be 'bout ready to hoist the white flag at that news and flee to Paraguay. (Link to this)

THE IDIOT-BILLIONAIRE-DICTATOR CIRCLE JERK
April 20, 2006

The Commander-in-Chimp plays dress up with Jiang Zemin in Beijing last year.

At a Sino-US get together at Bill Gates' lakeside mansion, President Hu Jintao told the world that China and the US "share the same aspirations." (story)

Under Bushco™ this diplomatic platitude assumes sinister implications: Is Bushco™ really aspiring to create a totalitarian, prison camp economy with a lucrative sideline in illegally harvested human organs too? Is Bushco™ aiming to build the kind of military state which the rest of the planet tolerates only because of its potential for world-ending if it got in a pissy enough mood? Hang on to your corneas, rednecks. (Link to this)

McCLELLAN QUITS
April 19, 2006

Scott McClellan announced his resignation Wednesday, continuing a board-level shakeup at Bushco™. McClellan's final ass-kiss to POTUS: "I have given it my all sir and I have given you my all sir, and I will continue to do so as we transition to a new press secretary." (story)

McClellan, the White House's moistest ever press secretary, is resigning to spend more time with his sweat glands. (Link to this)

COCAINE ONE BUSTED
April 19, 2006

A massive cocaine shipment was recently intercepted by the Mexican army in the Yucatan aboard two DC9s owned and operated by US aviation partnership "Sky Way Aircraft."

Why does this matter? Firstly, Brent Kovar, one of the two partners behind the industrial-scale cocaine op is a GOP crony of Tom DeLay whom he appointed Honorary Chairman of the Business Advisory Council back in 2003 in recognition of his "valuable contributions and dedication to the Republican Party." Could Kovar's arrest be in any way connected with DeLay's sudden loss of power and, therefore, inability to play interference? Let's look forward to that discussion on Special Report with Brit Hume...

Secondly, Sky Way's decal is designed to look deceptively similar to an official government seal thus, presumably, enabling their drug shipments to slip through unmolested by customs. And, thirdly, there may also be a connection between the Sky Way partners and the Huffman Aviation flight school: a.k.a. Mohamed Atta's secondary base of operations before and after the 9/11 attacks. How freakin' conspiratorial can this get?!

As Mad Cow Morning News says: "This has obvious and highly serious national security implications, which go well beyond the obvious glee involved in playing political "gotcha" with people caught face-down with their noses buried, Tony Montana-style, in over five tons of cocaine." (Link to this)

HYPOTHETICAL DEMOCRAT WINS HYPOTHETICAL GENERAL ELECTION
April 18, 2006

Presidential approval in the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll dropped another 3% last month to a pathetic 38%. Also, when respondents were asked whether they would vote for a generic Democrat or Republican in the upcoming midterm elections, they chose the generic Democrat by a margin of 55-40%.

This might sound like good news to Democrats except that [1] They only have a generic candidate anyway and [2] if they had a real candidate, they'd only fuck up all the non-existent candidate's good work and put the Republican's back in the lead.

I now understand the Democrats' strategy: Build up support and win the mid-terms by never actually fielding a candidate or having any policies. This might just be the most brilliant, Zen-like move in the history of American politics. (Link to this)

LIVE FAT, DIE YOUNG
April 18, 2006

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 71 percent of American men weigh too much, along with about 61 percent of women and 33 percent of children. The CDC also rates the cost to the taxpayer of the lard ass epidemic at $117 billion a year. (story)

But rest assured that when the grim reaper comes chubby chasing, you can still go out in comfort thanks to Goliath Caskets. According to their Web site, Goliath Caskets have been "Serving the needs of the Oversized Casket Community for 20 years" with their 20 Gauge Steel, extra-large sarcophagi for the huskier deceased. (Link to this)

THE WC FIELDS OF SLEAZE
April 18, 2006

"The federal government has torn apart my personal life with the intrusive and overbearing investigation."
Whined self-righteous crook George Ryan upon indictment in 2003.

Now the former Illinois Governor George Ryan is facing 95 years in prison and $4.5 million in fines after being found guilty of racketeering conspiracy, mail fraud, obstructing the IRS and lying to the FBI.

George Ryan is a member of which political party? I'll give you a clue: they begin with an 'R' and look set to overtake the Aryan Brotherhood as the biggest white trash gang within the US prison system. (story) (Link to this)

APROPOS REPUBLICAN CROOKS:
April 17, 2006

During the 2002 New Hampshire Senate race Republicans paid a telemarketing firm to bombard a local firefighters association office with dead calls and jam their switchboard. Why? Because they'd offered free lifts to any voters otherwise unable to get to a polling station. As far as the Republicans were concerned, this was a blatant attempt to facilitate Democrat voting that cried out for thwarting.

Three people were convicted in the case including the Republicans' New England regional director James Tobin (who had his legal expenses paid by the RNC). During Tobin's trial, it was revealed that he'd made dozens of calls to the White House around election day which pointed to the whole scam being orchestrated by top pols in Bushco™.

The White House caught red-handed rigging an election? There was a time when someone would have given a rat's ass, but now it almost seems like a 'so what's your point?' point. These days, outrage about crooked elections in the US is outsourced to Venezuela. (Link to this)

ANN COULTER: SHEMALE BITCH
April 14, 2006

According to Michael Rogers at pageoneq.com, Ann Coulter neglected to answer Question #15 on her Palm Beach County, FL voter registration form. The question? Indicate your sex by checking 'M' or 'F' on the form.

If anyone is still in doubt as to Coulter's gender, please refer to the picture above that, I believe, is worth a thousand words. (Link to this)

DURR FUEHRER CAN KISS MY ASS
April 14, 2006

"Secretary Rumsfeld's energetic and steady leadership is exactly what is needed at this critical period. He has my full support and deepest appreciation."
George W Bush responds to calls for the idiot Darth Vader's resignation.

[Unfortunately, due to external commitments, Fried Wire has been out of action of late. This is all I have time for today: George Bush? Fucking stupid twat.]

BUSHCO™ FUCKS THE POOR
April 8, 2006

Last year 30 of 180,000 millionaires were audited by the IRS. Individual returns for Fiscal Year 2005 showed an audit rate of 4.6 per 1,000 for incomes of over $200,000 a year. For those reporting incomes lower than $200,000 the rate was almost double with those earning less that $25,000 being audited at a rate of 8.8 per thousand. (story)

True, Republicans have always nurtured the rich and screwed the poor and middle class, but this shit doesn't even make sense any more. What's the point of hounding broke guys for their last few bucks and letting the rich get away with fraud? Oh, I'm sorry, I must have had a blond moment... (Link to this)

LAUGHING IN THE FAT FACE OF TOM DELAY'S MISFORTUNE
April 6, 2006

Visit Tom DeLay's homepage before it goes the way of his now defunct DeLay Foundation charity site (a.k.a. Tom's piggy bank)

Despite the sanctimonious hocus pocus and whining attempts to blame the Democrats for his misfortunes, it is becoming clear that DeLay's real reason for stepping down this week had a lot to do with pending legal actions. Washington lawyer Stanley Brand, a corruption case specialist, said that "hundreds of thousands of dollars in possible legal expenses would make it hard for DeLay to focus on reelection." (story)

Today's news is that Tony Rudy, DeLay's former chief of staff, has agreed to cooperate with federal investigators in return for a more lenient sentence. With his former press secretary, Michael Scanlon, and best bud Abramoff all angling to get lighter sentencing in return for dumping on DeLay, times are looking scary for the dwarf mafioso. "This case is just beginning." Says Brand. Guess old Tom's in for some more 'prayerful thinking' in the upcoming months. (Link to this)

REPUBLICAN CROOKS #3,452
April 6, 2006

Former Cheney Igor, I. Lewis Libby, is also turning on his ex-bosses like a disgruntled Mafia foot soldier faced with a RICO bust. Libby testified to the grand jury in his Plamegate trial that it was none other than El Presidente himself who authorized the release - effectively a de-classification - of a National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq to Judith Miller that blew Valerie Plame's cover.

Although there is no suggestion that Bush broke the law (not sure how that works), it sure ain't going to help those approval ratings. If, that is, anyone is still bothering to keep count. (Link to this)

[Left: Let's hope that if Scooter's getting fucked by the feds, he's taking Kermit down with him.]

DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND MOLESTATION
April 5, 2006

With all the hoo ha about corruption plaguing the GOP (like they give a rat's ass anyway) it might be expected that they'd try and shift focus away from their pathological money-fucking. But this may not be exactly what they had in mind.

Frank Figueroa, former Department of Homeland Security child-molester catcher, is due to stand trial tomorrow after being arrested for wacking off in front of a kid in a Florida mall. Brian J. Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security, has also been arrested for trying to get it on with a 14-year old girl over the internet (who turned out to be a sheriff's deputy).

What the fuck is wrong with these idiots? Jeez, shouldn't the DHS people be hunting down terrorists not cruising McDonalds bouncy ball pits stroking their cocks? (Link to this)

HASTERT SETS NEW LIES-PER-WORD RECORD
(April 4, 2006)

Rocksucker

House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert's statement on the resignation of his good buddy Tom DeLay. For the benefit of readers, I'll redact the lies:

"I have been thankful for his assistance in leading the House Republican Conference and helping to pass historic legislation, like successful Medicare reform, tax relief and trade legislation that opened new markets to American products and ideals. Because of his efforts, we have restored our national defense, strengthened the economy, created jobs for our workers and improved the lives of thousands of American families.

"He embodies the term steadfast and perseveres through even the toughest attacks on Republican ideals and principles. His firm faith in God and his love of family and country is admirable.

"House Republicans will continue to move forward with an aggressive agenda on behalf of the American people. In fact, this week we will take up a budget resolution that lays out a blueprint for our spending priorities in the coming year and keeps our promise to be responsible with taxpayer dollars. We have a bold vision, and our agenda will continue."

(story) (Link to this)

LONDON ON DRUGS
April 4, 2006 (LONDON, England)

A London raver high on dork-omine

A London raver has crashed after consuming a record 40,000 ecstasy pills over a ten year period - averaging 25 every day. "He came to us after deciding that he couldn't go on any more, he was having trouble functioning in everyday life." Said Dr. Obvious, consultant psychiatrist at London's St George's Medical School. (story)

Last month, a London McDonald's worker died from overheating while wearing a rubber fetishist costume during a cocaine binge. A police toxicology report revealed a potentially lethal unhappy meal of cocaine, ketamine and morphine in the body of 35-year old Robert Garnett. Jeez, how much does McDonalds pay in London? Or perhaps they compensate counter staff with narcotics in lieu of money. Have you visited McDonalds recently? This would certainly explain a thing or two. (story) (Link to this)

DELAY IS FINALLY HISTORY
April 4, 2006

A visual metaphor for the former bug exterminator's political career:

"After many weeks of personal, prayerful thinking and analysis, I have come to the conclusion that it is time to close this public service chapter of my life."
Tom DeLay - master bullshitter. (story)

Even to the bitter end, the sanctimonious little cocksucker is pathologically incapable of being honest. How about "fair cop, I got busted, I resign?" In case anyone has forgotten, DeLay is still facing prison for illegally diverting $190,000 from one of his PACs to help Texas GOP candidates in 2002 which is only the tip of one giant shitberg. Prayerful thinking? Public service?? Fuck you, Tom. (link to this)

WHATEVER WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT
April 3, 2006

"Ask not what you can do for your country; ask what your country can do for Israel"

Televangelist prick John Hagee has been kissing kosher ass. The box-headed God botherer is set to launch a pro-Israel lobbying group comprised of American evangelicals and other assorted wing nuts. Hagee - founder and senior pastor of the Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas - said the lobby's activities would be a "political earthquake." Wow. Whatever next? An anti-abortion conservative lobby? A pro-Iraq war Republican caucus?

Perhaps Hagee should just call it an anti-Muslim lobbying group and have done with it. America couldn't look any more pro-Israel if Bush took to spending his summers clearing brush at a kibbutz and wearing a yarmulke for the State of The Union Address. Talk about redundant. (Link to this)

CHICKENSHIT NEW WORLD
April 3, 2006

According to Scotland's Sunday Herald newspaper:

"The US wants to take control of the Earth's electromagnetic spectrum, allowing US war planners to dominate mobile phones, PDAs, the web, radio, TV and other forms of modern communication. That could see entire countries denied access to telecommunications at the flick of a switch by America."

Are you scared yet? Are you angry? Anything..? (Link to this)

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