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FAILING STATES AND CORPORATE SUCK-UPS
May 31, 2006

Chomsky says the game is up for America while 'World's Last Superpower' bends over for China

America's greatest thinker or terrorist sympathizer? Depends which side of the Atlantic you happen to be asking the question.

Noam Chomsky, the world's politest anarchist and Cuntservative bête noire, posits that it's all over for America in his new book "Failed States". Chomsky cites an inability to protect its own citizens, the belief that it is above the law and a lack of democracy as the three defining characteristics of the 'failed state.' Or, as we have come to know it, Bush's America. (story)

Want more signs of America's descent into dysfunction and failure under the auspices of the Cuntservative revolution? I have one word: China. If you want to see what a failed state looks like in action, just check out the master/servant dynamic between corporate America (ak.a. the sharp end of U.S. government) and communist China.

Over at Microsoft they're busy prostrating and prostituting themselves for Beijing. A new Chinese Web portal - a merger between MSN Spaces and Shanghai Alliance Investment - will provide Chinese surfers with the kind of free and open exchange of ideas and information that we occidentals have come to take for granted. Except that Comrades Ballmer and Gates are tactfully making sure that keyword searches such as "Taiwan independence," "Dalai Lama," "human rights," "freedom" and "democracy" are blocked to avoid offending the commies. (story)

Ballsy bloggers, such as Isaac Mao, are currently risking lengthy jail terms by protesting the Chinese government's predilection for Web censorship while the free-marketeers at Microsoft bend over like principal-challenged pussies. "They could try to reach a balance... instead, they're just trying to flatter the government." Says Mao. Makes you proud huh?

So why should the 'world's last superpower' be sucking up to China? Aren't they, after all, the communistic, human rights-abusing antithesis to everything that America is supposed to stand for? Yes. But we owe them a butt-load of money and that, as they say, is the bottom line. (Link to this)

BUSH PLAYS THE CONFESSION CARD
May 30, 2006

POTUS says sorry for being a dick

It's not like Bushco™ are on the ropes as the mid-terms loom. More like they're flat on their backs on the canvas crippled by incompetence, exhausted by their own malfeasance and hemorrhaging credibility from every orifice. So what better time for them to confound their apologists and resort to Plan Z: Just say sorry.

Bush recently said he regretted some of his most dick-like rhetoric such as the "bring 'em on" challenge to Iraqi insurgents back in 2003. He also expressed regret about the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib. "We've been paying for that for a long time," he said. (story)

After already owning up to post-Katrina incompetence and the non-existence of Saddam's WMDs, Bushco™ are starting to look more like the reckless idiots they really are rather than the ruthless Machiavellians of yore. And, with $285 billion down the toilet and 2,500 US troops killed in Iraq, surely even the most forgiving (and previously deluded) amongst us would favor a little competence in government in preference to any more of this Keystone fascists crap. Fuck sorry. (Link to this)

IT'S ALL GOOD IN MAHMOUD
May 30, 2006

Democracy and prosperity Bushco™ style.

'Free' Iraq may be the land of milk and honey (not suicide bombings and depleted uranium) for news commentators and neocon pols, but it's not so hot for the brown folks on the ground.

Since 2003, as many as one million Iraqis have fled to neighboring Jordan looking for jobs and enhanced life spans. Many other countries have also provided safe havens for the post-Saddam dispora with some allowing refugees to claim asylum (asylum from freedom and democracy..?) all over the world.

But the Bushbot fantasists/lying bastards (random example) still persist in portraying Iraq as the Palm Springs of the Mid East. Question: If it's so great there these days, why don't they sell up and move there themselves? After all, according to the Times online, it's a sure-fire buyer's market out there:

"House-hunting in Baghdad is a secretive affair. Estate agents do not want clients to view property, home-owners refuse to put up "For Sale" signs and buyers will not say how much they can spend. Ali Ramzi, for 30 years one of the city’s most successful estate agents, says that all three parties fear that engaging in a property deal now makes them a prime target for religious death squads or kidnappers." (Link to this)

KENNY BOY ON LAY-AWAY
May 25, 2006

Lay and Skilling guilty on all counts

"We believe that God in fact is in control and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the lord."
- Ken Lay

"Shut the fuck up you thieving jizz bag."
- God

Former Enron executives Ken Lay and Jeffrey Skilling have been found guilty of fraud and conspiracy. Lay was convicted on all six counts against him and faces a maximum of 45 years in prison with a possible 120 years in a separate case.

"I firmly believe I'm innocent of the charges against me," slimed the lying shit and big-time Bushco™ buddy. (story)

I'm already enjoying my three-day weekend... (Link to this)

A PLAGUE ON BOTH THEIR HOUSES
May 24, 2006

Jefferson raid draws bipartisan backlash

Man-mountain House Speaker Dennis Hastert (left) complains that the FBI raid on William Jefferson was illegal, citing specifically that it violated the separation of powers between the two branches of government as defined by the Constitution. It is indeed the only time in the 219-year history of the United States that the executive branch has sicked the Feds on the legislative branch. (story) So why should we care?

A cynic might wonder that Hastert is only pissed because the raid represents a dangerous precedent for those members of congress who wish to enjoy the spoils of corruption unmolested by law enforcement. Another cynic might also suggest that he's never given a rat's ass about the executive branch trampling on the rights of the public except to stand by and applaud. Wasn't he one of the Republican pinheads telling us that we shouldn't worry about the NSA monitoring our calls if we've got nothing to hide? Perhaps, in the same vein, congressmen shouldn't worry about the FBI raiding them if their fridges have nothing to hide. How d'you like them onions, Hastert?

Bushco™ has been stomping on the rights of 'We The people' for six long years and Fried Wire is mad as hell about it. But it's hard to muster the same sense of indignation when the authoritarian jackboot turns its attention to the Bush-enabling grease balls in Congress. Fuck them and a plague on both their houses. (Link to this)

FRANCE: HOME OF THE OBNOXIOUS, STINGY BORE?
May 23, 2006

"I think our romantic 'moodiness' is misunderstood and I will be sure to pass on the message to my family and friends back in France to be a bit more cheerful to tourists in the future."

So said the founder of French travel Web site 'Where Are You Now' after conducting an online poll which showed 46 percent of people regarded the French as the most unfriendly people on the planet. They were also voted the most boring and most ungenerous.

In the same poll, the United States was named most unstylish with the worst food. (story) (Link to this)

DEM SUCCUMBS TO 'THE REPUBLICAN DISEASE'
May 23, 2006

Louisiana Democrat busted for $100,000 bribe

They used to call syphilis 'the French disease'. Today, it's tempting to think of greed and corruption as 'the Republican disease'. But wait... here comes Democrat William Jefferson - eight-term Louisiana congressman and owner of the world's most valuable refrigerator. (story)

Fried Wire admits to being disappointed that a Dem was caught accepting a $100,000 bribe in an FBI sting operation but, for me, the saddest part of the story was that he chose to stash the moolah in his fridge. Such crass unoriginality. Don't they get Court TV in Louisiana? (Link to this)

BUSH SNUBS GORE MOVIE
May 23, 2006

Knock, knock. Who's there? Global environmental catastrophe who?

Since his presidential ambitions were crushed under the wheels of the Rove-Bush putsch back in 2000, Al Gore's been busy spreading the bad news about the other upcoming end of the world as we know it: global warming. He was in Cannes this week promoting his prescient but achingly boring documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" that goes to town (in a hybrid) on the subject. "There are some powerful polluting interests that have way too much influence in the American political system," he said. Hmm... can't imagine who they might be.

Coincidentally, GW Chimpinstuff himself was taking questions in Chicago yesterday when a member of the audience asked if he was planning on catching "An Inconvenient Truth" when it opens in the US. "Doubt it," Bush grunted. Another audience member then asked if he was excited about seeing "X-Men III" to which he replied "Fuck, yeah!" Probably. (Link to this)

ONE STEP NEARER TO AN AMERICAN DICTATORSHIP - THANK YOU BUSH VOTERS!
May 22, 2006

Gonzales: journalists will be prosecuted

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced yesterday that journalists will be open to prosecution under the 1917 Espionage Act for publishing articles revealing classified information. "We have an obligation to enforce those laws. We have an obligation to ensure that our national security is protected." He said. (story)

So the message is clear: whistle blowers and dissenters within the establishment, who have done so much to expose Bushco™ lies and damage Durr Fuehrer's popularity, are to be silenced.

Gonzales' tip of the hat to totalitarianism seems ironic given that members of government, such as Cheney and Rove, still seem to have carte blanche to reveal whatever information they want without risk of recrimination. But that, of course, is how totalitarianism works. (Link to this)

DARPA GO MENTAL
May 19, 2006

US security agency patents human cannon

Is the War on Terror being run by Wyle E. Coyote? On the evidence of this patent filed by Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), it might be possible.

They've filed plans for a sixteen-foot high human skeet shooter with the patent office designed to shoot SWAT personnel, emergency workers and (presumably) drunk frat boys onto roofs of inaccessible buildings. It might sound retarded, but don't worry, it's got a computer on it, so it must be great

The story of the dumbass 'man-firing chair on rails' gets even weirder when you find out that Dean Kamen, inventor of the Segway scooter, also came up with this idiot device. Guess this is what you'd call his dry spell. (story) (Link to this)

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SIDE OF FREEDOM
May 18, 2006

Barney Frank and Fred Phelps: unlikely bedfellows

Legislation to ban Fred Phelps and his traveling hate circus from protesting funerals has been passed by Congress and is now headed for Senate approval. But what about the Constitution? Fried Wire would love to see the hate mongering bastard go to jail as much as anyone, but isn't this like... err... unconstitutional?

The legislation passed almost unanimously with just three no votes. So maximum props to the dissenters - especially big, gay Barney Frank - for voting against the legislation and for the constitution they were elected to uphold.

Of course, Phelps isn't so appreciative of Frank's efforts. A current Westboro Baptist flyer refers to him as "the famous glib-tongued, fat faggot Congressman from same-sex marriage Massachusetts." You're welcome, Fred. (Link to this)

BUSH DOWNUNDER (OK, YOU THINK OF ONE...)
May 17, 2006

Bush and Australian PM John Howard give it some 'Reservoir Dogs.'

George Bush, currently visiting Australia, took time out to help cement the bond between the US and Australia - two nations already bonded by a mutual loathing for George Bush. "For more than a century, Australians have stood steadfast beside America." He said.

"Together we fought in World War II, from the beaches at Normandy to the waters of the Coral Sea, together we fought in Korea and Vietnam, and together we're fighting and winning the global war on terror." (story)

Stirring stuff. And a nice use of the phrase "together we fought" from a gutless yahoo who never fought in anything. (Link to this)

HE'S MAD, HE'S BAD, HE'S BACK...
May 17, 2006

Rumsfeld dodges professional euthanasia

Despite the unmistakable symptoms of malignant incompetence mestasizing into plain evil, Donald 'Crazy Legs' Rumsfeld has managed to dodge the knackers yard bullet again and is now enjoying full support from Bushco™. So what if much of the military and intelligence communities regard him as an unhinged, blundering amateur? The old prick will come in very handy should low polls warrant tens of thousands of Iranians having to give up their lives to maintain the Republican majority in November. Bush knows that when you need an illegal war in a hurry, Rumsfeld's the go-to guy.

Indeed, so cocky is Rumsfeld with his new-found mandate, he is even panhandling congress for another $65 billion to cover costs in Iraq and Afghanistan this year. Yes, that's an extra $65 billion. (Link to this)

HEY, IDIOTS, CAN WE HAVE OUR LIBERTY BACK IF YOU'RE NOT USING IT?
May 17, 2006

NSA phone monitoring controversy boosts Bush's popularity

Sometimes the phrase 'what the fuck?!' hardly seems enough. On May 12, Durr Fuehrer's popularity sank to a historic 29% which made Fried Wire's weekend. But according to the latest polls taken in the aftermath of the NSA phone record collection controversy, he's now up by six points to a dizzying 35%. What the fuck?!

Apparently, instead of being appalled that the President broke the law and wiped his ass with the constitution by sicking the NSA on our phone records, we support him for it. Jeez, what's up with America? Are our overabundant fat cells finally migrating to our brains? (Link to this)

PLAYING JENGA WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER
May 16, 2006

Chavez rocks Caracas.

Bushco™ announced that it intends to punish Hugo Chavez for his ties with Cuba and Iran by refusing to sell Venezuela any more weapons. Chavez's witty response? He's talking about shipping his fleet of US-supplied F-16s to Iran. Playing Jenga with a sledgehammer: the Bush/Chavez approach to international relations. (story) (Link to this)

WITH FRIENDS LIKE BUSHCO™, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?
May 16, 2006 (BAGDHAD, Iraq)

Christians continue to flee 'liberated' Iraq

Saddam's crazy Iraq hosted a substantial Christian minority who were left alone by the Baathists as they weren't seen as posing a threat to his power. They'd been there for nearly 2,000 years. But, as a result of super-Christian Bush's crusade to 'liberate' Iraq in 2003, they now find themselves under attack.

Fayrouz Hancock, an Iraqi now living in the US, says tens of thousands of Iraqi Christians are fleeing "because of the difficulties of practicing their faith and leading normal social lives in a country that has turned conservative due to the threats from extremists." She also blames the breakdown in security in the country for their growing plight. (story)

With friends like Bushco™, who really needs enemies anyway? Just ask Tony Blair whose ongoing rough-trade affair with our idiot king looks set to cost him reelection. (Link to this)

ALABAMA DEM GOES OLD SKKKOOL
May 14, 2006 (BIRMINGHAM, Alabama)

White supremacist and holocaust denier runs on Democratic ticket

Larry Darby is running for Alabama attorney general as a Democrat in a taxpayer supported primary election. Darby, founder of the Atheist Law Center, is also a white supremacist and a holocaust denier who is seeking to "reawaken white racial awareness." On a recent TV interview he railed, "It's time to stop pushing down the white man. We've been discriminated against too long." Something tells me the Alabama Democrats may have a little 'quality control' work to do. (story) (Link to this)

KICKING THEM WHEN THEY'RE DOWN? OH HELL YES!
May 12, 2006

Bush's latest approval rating dips below 30%

In the latest Wall Street Journal poll, Bush has hit a pathetic 29%. And the fuck-you-Bush-funny part is that he's currently tying with his dad for the honor of having the 4th lowest recorded approval rating for a US president. And the runners up are: Harry Truman at 23%, Nixon at 24% and Carter at 28%.

Stay tuned to see if the useless bastard can top (or bottom) Truman. Perhaps with the help of the Fairy Godfather it could be achieved: According to Truthout.org, Karl Rove is letting his homies know that he'll soon be indicted in the Plamegate case and he will resign when that happens. Godammit! I'M CAPITAL LETTERS HAPPY! (Link to this)

GETTING CLOSER DAY BY DAY...
May 11, 2006

Millions of Americans spied on by the NSA, with the help of the major phone service providers, while Bush claims only "people with known links to al Qaeda" are targeted.

Mass-spying, imprisonment without trial, ill-advised military operations based on political dogma and contrived intelligence, a fondness for pretend uniforms... it's all over bar the moustache.

According to a USA Today anonymous source, the NSA has been monitoring the domestic phone calls made by millions of Americans since Bushco™ used 9-11 as an excuse to put liberty on lock-down. But today The Dear Leader reaffirmed that the NSA only "intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations" and that they "strictly target al Qaeda and their known affiliates." (story)

Under the circumstances it didn't seem unreasonable for Patrick Leahy to ask "Are you telling me that tens of millions of Americans are involved with al Qaeda?" (story)

Leahy was also inclined to wonder just how well the war on terror could be doing if there were so many Americans "with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations." But then again, the key is probably in the 'related.' As far as Bushco™ is concerned, "related terrorist organizations" could mean anything from the downtown mosque to your local chapter of the ACLU. They're all anti-'Merican - just ask a wing nut. (Link to this)

NEW DICK ON THE BLOCK
May 11, 2006

The most cynical, faux-dumb quote of the week from the twisted fingers of Mark Levin:

"For nearly three years we witnessed the persecution of Rush Limbaugh, who became addicted to painkillers resulting from back and neck problems. We witnessed leaks by prosecutors who spread lies about him being involved in money laundering, drug rings, and doctor shopping. But the media happily repeated them. Some mocked him." (story)

You feign perplexity that the MSM chooses to persecute poor Rush while giving a free pass to Patrick Kennedy? Let me explain the difference to you, Mark, in simple terms you may be able to grasp: Rush Limbaugh is a hateful fat sack of shit who deserves to be treated to a game of Benito Mussolini street soccer while Patrick Kennedy? Who needs to care? (Link to this)

THE LUNATICS IN CHARGE OF THE ASYLUM #2
May 11, 2006

Bushco™ restarts cold war?

After 6 years of bellicose neocon dogma posing as decision making in Washington, it's becoming increasingly difficult to deny the fact that, thanks to Bushco™, everyone hates America. No other president has ever worked so hard to convert friends into enemies around the world. No other president has ever worked so hard to promote suicidal ignorance coupled with irrational belligerence as a tenet of US foreign policy. And no president has ever seemed so blissfully unaware of any of the above.

Now, just to put a cherry on the giant shit pie, it seems that our great statesmen in DC have managed to achieve what was once assumed impossible: they've restarted the cold war. Thanks to Dick Cheney's recent snipe at Russia (and praise for the homicidal dictator of Kazakhstan), the continuing Iraq debacle and the neocon noise about Iran, Moscow is going pre-Glasnost on us.

In his annual presidential address yesterday, Vladimir Putin vowed to bolster Russia's military defenses to counter the growing threat posed by the US. "As the saying goes," said Putin, "Comrade Wolf knows whom to eat, it eats without listening and it’s clearly not going to listen to anyone." (story)

As a response to the perceived threat from "Comrade Wolf," Russia is set to commission two nuclear submarines equipped with new intercontinental ballistic missiles - the nation’s first since the Soviet era - and is boosting long-range aviation and land-based strategic missile forces. "Our response must be based on intellectual advantage, it must be asymmetrical and less costly while increasing reliability and efficiency of our nuclear triad," Putin said.

So after so many years of bullshitting nostalgically about how the mighty Gipper ended the cold war, now Bush can go down in history as the fuckwit who managed to resuscitate it. Way to go neocons! (Link to this)

THANK YOU FOR NOT TOKING
May 10, 2006

"He's got a real pretty mouth on him, don't he..?" Vicente Fox and GW in happier times.

Bushco™ bullies Mexico into killing new drug bill

Mexican President Vicente Fox recently bowed to pressure from Bushco™ to dump Mexico's plans to decriminalize drug use. The White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) had "expressed concern" about the Mexican bill, the US Embassy in Mexico City claimed that it would encourage "drug tourism," while San Diego's Republican Mayor called the idea "appallingly stupid."

Appallingly stupid? Let me tell you what's appallingly stupid: stick-up-the-ass Republicans hell-bent on criminalization to the extent that they are now stretching their prohibitive tentacles across international borders just because they can't stand the idea of anyone getting high without Bill Frist's Pharm Mafia making a buck on it. (Link to this)

THE LUNATICS IN CHARGE OF THE ASYLUM
May 10, 2006

Republicans OK record $10 trillion debt ceiling while pushing $70 billion tax cuts for the rich.

A $2.7 trillion budget plan pending before the House would raise the federal debt ceiling to nearly $10 trillion, less than two months after Congress last raised the federal government's borrowing limit. The Republicans also hope to pass a package of tax-cut extensions that would cost the Treasury $70 billion over the next five years. (story)

" Today's agreement is a victory for working Americans and for our strong economy," said House Majority Leader John A. Boehner. But the tax cuts for investors and capitol gains recipients will, as Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid pointed out, "do much more for Exxon Mobil board members than it will do for Exxon Mobil customers." (story) (Link to this)

¡VIVA DEMOCRACIA!
May 9, 2006

Ex-Diebold CEO Wally O'Dell: the man who brought you Presidents George W. Bush I and II.

Diebold machines screw up in Pennsylvania; Venezuela buys major US voting machine company.

Pennsylvania elections officials locked down and sequestered all of their Diebold touchscreen electronic voting machines after a serious firmware flaw was revealed which, in their words, constitues a "major national security risk." In addition, security experts have also warned that flaws in Diebold machines are so pervasive that a virus could easily be inserted through a modified voter "smart-card" which could then infect the computer and be used to directly effect, rig or hack an election. (story)

But Diebold are not the only pro-Republican bastards running roughshod over our voting rights. New York Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney recently called for a Treasury Department investigation into possible violations of CFIUS law after Sequoia Voting Systems, another major American voting machine companies, was bought out by a Venezualan company. (story)

Have we lost our damn minds? Do you mean to tell me we're selling Venezuela the chance to rig our elections and we didn't even give the UAE first refusal? Jeez. (Link to this)

IT'S ALL GONE FUBAR
May 9, 2006

Jared Guinther was signed up outside a mall in Oregon by military recruiters who complimented him on his black Converse All Stars. Now, at 18, he's enlisted as a cavalry scout scheduled to leave for basic training in mid-August. Nothing unusual so far. Apart from the fact that Guinther was diagnosed autistic at age three and had no idea there was a war going in Iraq. (story)

His father said he'd previously heard his son talk about joining the Army, but assumed it couldn't happen. "I told my wife not to worry about it. They're not going to take anybody in the service who's autistic." Are you aware who's president, Mr. Guinther? As severe mental impairment is now tolerated in a C in C, should we surprised that the same principle applies in the ranks? Perhaps we should just call this the trickle-down effect.

In other military-related news, Air Force veteran David Patterson has sent back his medals directly to President Bush, care of the White House, writing "I am saddened to give up my hard earned medals. But the hate, torture and death you have instrumented in this world tarnish the symbolism they carry." He is still waiting for a response from the addressee.

The White House does not record how many medals have been sent back by disillusioned vets. Spokesman Blair Jones, says that when medals are received in the mail, "they are kindly sent back to the owners.". (story) (Link to this)

HEAR DEAN ROAR
May 8, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

Howard Dean's infamous 'I have a scream' speech cost him the nomination in 2004. But do the Dems have what it takes to screw up this shoo-in mid-term election against a moribund Republican party poisoned by its own evil and begging to be put out of our misery? Probably.

Democrats are confident that they'll win the 15 seats they need to take back the house in the upcoming mid-terms. According to conservative estimates, between 30 and 50 Republican seats are currently vulnerable. (story)

The DNC has even announced it's priorities for a Democratic house: raising the minimum wage, fixing the Republican prescription drug law, implementing homeland security measures and reinstating budget deficit controls.

No mention of impeachment - at least from the Dems themselves - but a recent mailing by Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-N.C.), chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee, warned that Democrats "will call for endless congressional investigations and possibly call for the impeachment of President Bush!" Should they manage to wrest power from Karl Rove's cold, dead hand. Perhaps Dole is unfamiliar with Ken Starr or the old cliché "what goes around comes around?" Laugh? I almost registered to vote. (Link to this)

JOHN KERRY'S SLOW-BURN STRATEGY
May 5, 2006

John Kerry, 2004 presidential failure and 16th century orator, has proved he really knows how to think ahead: He's already planning for the 20005 elections. Upside: 18,000 years might just give Diebold enough time to perfect their voting machines. Downside: Kerry's going to need a buttload of botox. (Link to this)

BLACK MINUTE MAN PROJECT FAILS IN L.A.
May 5, 2006 (LOS ANGELES, California)

"The beaners must go, but the burritos stay..." a Minute Man border patroller watches out for extremely slow-moving illegal aliens.

Jim Gilchrist and his Minute Men rolled into South Los Angeles this week as part of a hare-brained attempt to recruit black supporters. But instead of the soul brother hand shakes they'd probably been practicing in advance, they were met by angry protesters.

Oddly enough, the black folks didn't warm to the message that "illegal immigration strips jobs from blacks" as it's pretty much the same as saying "Help us keep out the beaners so you can do all the crappy, low-paid jobs yourselves". As protesters yelled "Minutemen go home!" through bullhorns, Gilchrist got delusions of grandeur and ordered his storm troopers to "Stand your ground. Do not fire unless fired upon, and if it's war they want, then let it begin here." Fucking stupid twat. (story) (Link to this)

MILITARY CHAPLAIN ARRESTED FOR PRAYING
May 5, 2006

Klingenschmitt gets his prayer on

Naval Chaplain Lt. Gordon Klingenschmitt objected to Department of Defense rules forbidding military chaplains from invoking the name of Jesus Christ. He now faces Court Martial after being arrested for an in-uniform prayer protest in front of the White House. Freakin' hilarious! (story)

I don't care whether this story makes sense or not - and I don't care if it's right or wrong - I'm just happy because it will make every cuntservative moron in America pee their pampers with impotent, anti-liberal outrage. Say, is that the frantic tappity-tap of Michelle Malkin's angry fingers? Or is she just flicking her bean over her Ronald Reagan screensaver again? Good work, apparently nonsensical military rule! (Link to this)

DUMB MUGGER STRIKES OUT
May 5, 2006 (BRISTOL, England)

A 52-year old woman was surprised when her bags were snatched by a drug-addled mugger as she walked her dog. But the mugger was probably even more surprised: the bags were full of dog shit. (story) (Link to this)

BEIJING'S BUTT BOYS
May 5, 2006

The Bushco™ psycho pricks with their boot on the world's collective neck are all too eager to visit their wrath on any other government that dares to defy them. Except one. When it comes to China, Bushco's thugs bend over like Jack Abramoff in a correctional facility shower.

The president of Taiwan - mainland China's arch nemesis - was recently barred by the US government from making stop-overs in San Francisco and New York en route to Paraguay. Why? Because China doesn't like it when other countries are nice to Taiwan. Truly pathetic. (story) (Link to this)

JUDGE KEEPS IT REAL
May 5, 2006 (WASHINGTON, DC)

An appeals panel today slammed Bushco's proposed new rules designed to make it easier to eavesdrop on phone calls over the internet. U.S. Circuit Judge Harry T. Edwards (left) told the lawyer for the Federal Communications Commission "Your argument makes no sense...When you go back to the office, have a big chuckle. I'm not missing this. This is ridiculous." He also referred to the FCC's arguments as 'nonsense' and 'gobbledygook.'

Edwards criticized the FCC's decision to force providers of Internet phone and broadband services to accommodate police wiretaps under the 1994 Communications Assistance for Law Enforcement Act. The new rules are due to go into effect next May. (story) (Link to this)

TOUGH DAY FOR SATAN'S LITTLE HELPER
May 3, 2006 (ATLANTA, Georgia)

Donald Rumsfeld was interrupted repeatedly by protesters during a speech in Atlanta today. Even mild-mannered Yahoo said "It is not unusual for top Bush administration officials to encounter protests and hostile questions. But the outbursts Rumsfeld confronted on Thursday seemed beyond the usual." In other words, he got his shriveled ass handed to him.

The Q&A session also went pear-shaped after Ray McGovern, a former CIA analyst, asked "Why did you lie to get us into a war that caused these kind of casualties and was not necessary?"

"I did not lie" Rumsfeld lied in reply. Three protesters were taken away by security for shouting anti-war messages throughout the speech, while a fourth protester stood with his back to Rumsfeld in silent protest. (story) (Link to this)

CNN SCRAPES BEYOND THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL
May 4, 2006

Right-wing radio host Glenn Beck looks like a gay Waffen SS tank commander and sounds like Rush Limbaugh without the bleeding heart liberalism. So why has he been signed up by CNN execs for a one-hour talk show? God alone knows. (story)

For a taste of things to come, consider Beck's previous musings on Cindy Sheehan (a 'pimp' and a 'prostitute'), Jimmy Carter (a 'waste of human skin') and Mexico (a 'dirtbag country'). This flag-fucker also once offered to pay a 7-year old black girl's air fare back to Africa after a poem she wrote offended his delicate sense of patriotism. Little wonder that 1210AM - The Big Talker calls his show "a fusion of entertainment and enlightenment."

Giant, steaming piles of worm-infested diarrhea shot out the ass of the Republican elephant... has Ted Turner finally lost what was left of his mind? (Link to this)

A MESSAGE TO BILL GATES
May 4, 2006

What's sadder than being a Bill Gates impersonator? How about a Bill Gates impersonator who looks more like John Ashcroft in a bad toupee?

Dear Bill,

I hear that you've been expressing wealth angst again saying that you don't want to be the richest man in the world. "I wish I wasn't. There is nothing good that comes out of that," you cried. Oh the woes of wealth and power!

Well it's a huge favor to be sure, Bill, but I'd be more than happy to help ease your burden. Email me and I'll gladly send you my bank information lickety-split. Better yet, you (and every hacker on Earth) already have all my details anyway after I foolishly used your spyware-laden Internet Explorer to buy pornographic DVDs online.

Stay strong my brother,

Fried Wire
(Link to this)

DIEBOLD: DEMOCRACY ON THE FRITZ
May 3, 2006 (TORONTO, Canada)

Cuyahoga County Election Director (and former Diebold proponent) Michael Vu, described Diebold's performance in the Ohio primary elections yesterday as "unacceptable." Problems included Diebold machines crapping out, lack of working power outlets, paper jams and sundry other screw ups such as 17,000 absentee ballots having to be hand counted after Diebold's optical scanners failed. (story)

The situation was so bad that many would-be voters gave up and went home while Secretary of State and Republican gubernatorial candidate Kenneth Blackwell was forced to keep one polling station open to compensate for its earlier failure to get its shit together.

All things considered, it was pretty decent of Blackwell to keep the polling station open late. But then one of the things to consider is that Blackwell had shares in Diebold at the time he awarded them the Ohio contract to begin with - and let's not forget then Diebold CEO Wally O'Dell's fund-raising letter in which he promised to deliver Ohio's electoral votes to Bush in 2004.

Is this the same shitty democracy of diminishing returns we're trying to foist on those luckless arabs? Jeez, why not just let them stick with Sharia law? At least reptiles like Blackwell and his buddy O'Dell would be walking around with stumps for hands. (Link to this)

EXXON PREMIUM BULLSHIT
May 3, 2006

Exxon Mobil chairman Rex Tillerson tells NBC's "Today" show that oil companies do not get together and illegally manipulate oil prices. Tillerson pointed out that the price of oil is set on the open commodities market and the price at the pump eventually reflects that. (story)

And if you believe that, I hear Satan's on the market for a new Zamboni. It's a neat side-step to say oil prices are regulated (partly true) but the same greed-crazed pricks also own most of the gas stations and get to slap whatever numbers they feel like on their price signs as they drive the independent operators out of business. As usual, the 'invisible hand of the market' is a highly visible clenched fist with middle finger outstretched.

Maybe this guy can gain some traction with his proposed bill to stop gas gouging. I wouldn't hold my breath though. (Link to this)

STEPHEN HARPER DOES NOT EAT BABIES
May 3, 2006 (TORONTO, Canada)

Passengers were treated to the scrolling electronic message "Stephen Harper Eats Babies" on Toronto Transit Authority train announcement screens yesterday. Gerry Nicholls, a former colleague of the conservative Canadian prime minister, was surprised by the message. "I worked with Stephen Harper for five years and never once did he in that time eat a baby" he said.

An enterprising canuck geek had used a remote control device, available at Sam's Club, to discreetly re-program the signs. (story) (Link to this)

He's making a list, he's checking it twice, he's going to find out who's naughty or nice...

THE ANTICHRIST IS COMING TO TOWN
May 3, 2006

Kooks, cranks and crazies around the nation are getting their satanic panties in a bunch about the upcoming 6-6-06 date. The Number of the Beast, 666, is mentioned in Revelations and is believed by some to be when the Antichrist will exercise power over Earth blah blah...

Colorado is home to more than its fair share of nutjobs and what the MSM euphemistically refer to as 'paramilitary religious groups' so cops there are ramping up vigilance in readiness for the day. "We are certainly keeping our feelers out to see if anything is happening." Said Lt. Rafael Cintron of Colorado Springs PD.

Others milking Satanmas will be:

The makers of the new version of 'Omen' which is due for release that day.

Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins who are using 6-6-06 to launch another in their crappy "Left Behind" series of evangelical potboilers.

The Church Of Satan will be holding a "Satan's Rockin' Eve" event in Los Angeles hosted by radiofreesatan.com

Death metal group Deicide are taking full advantage of June 6 to release their CD "The Stench of Redemption."

And of course, most sinister of all, will be the launch of Ann Coulter's new book 'Godless' in which the he-she whore of babble-on lambasts the godless hordes of liberalism.

I guess there's nothing like mocking the religious delusions of your own supporters by using their special scary day for your tawdry little book launch. Dumbass bitch. (Link to this)

MAY DAY RALLIES DRAW MORE THAN A MILLION
May 2, 2006

Monday's redneck nightmare outside San Francisco Civic Hall

"The president is not a fan of boycotts."
Scott McClellan

"We're basically shut down in our busiest month of the year. It's going to cost me thousands of dollars."
Jeff Salsbery, owner of Salsbery Brothers Landscaping, Carmel, Indiana

More than a million people walked out across the country yesterday causing big problems for the companies who rely on cheap imported labor. Now the immigration issue is inescapably up for discussion, Bush must be seriously regretting his decision to stick his dumb foot in the race swamp to begin with. Was it really worth all this just to distract attention away from the crappy economy? (story)

Now Minute Man founder Jim Gilchrist is considering a run for president as an independent after getting jittery at the site of so many uppity latinos taking to the streets on Monday. "If John McCain enters the race for president, I will definitely run. John McCain should have forfeited his right to run for President on the Republican Party the moment he put his name on immigration legislation with Ted Kennedy." Said Gilchrist. This is could be great news for the Democrats. Can anyone say 'Ross Perot?' (Link to this)

US EMBASSY STILL HOLDING OUT
May 2, 2006 (LONDON, England)

Even after London Mayor Ken Livingstone (left) likened the US ambassador to a 'chiselling little crook' last month for failing to pay congestion charge fees on embassy vehicles, the $400,000+ debt is still unpaid and climbing. (story)

The embassy has has said it does not intend to pay the fees, instead claiming diplomatic privilege. The US is not alone in dodging the fee, but it does head the list of hold-outs ahead of Nigeria, Angola and Sudan respectively. Classy. (Link to this)

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